In which OMFG WHO EVEN ARE THESE PEOPLE.

With the very, very few exceptions of one or two small businesses looking for help, the job market is now a shitshow of fake work-at-home pyramid schemes, horrible poverty-level drone jobs, and weird demands to “call in for application instructions” or “apply in person, but not during peak hours.”

All the so-called part-time positions are around 33 hours a week — just under the threshold that requires employers to provide benefits — or nine hours a week. WHY IS THERE A NINE-HOUR-A-WEEK JOB. Just get someone already there to do it, whatever it is.

The pay for nearly everything is horrific. Like, ten bucks an hour. Or less, in many cases. Typical office work gets about $12. That’s barely twenty grand a year!

Most listings don’t disclose their address, so you can’t see if a bus goes there before you apply.

A disturbing number of listings expect full availability even though they’re for low-paying part-time entry-level jobs. Like, for less than three hundred dollars a week take-home pay, they think they own you.

Tons of listings blithely “require” a car, driver license, and proof of insurance. For deliveries or occasional errands. Like, you can’t get this shitty job without a car you can’t afford to maintain on this shitty pay.

They’re not even trying with these job listings; I saw a posting that was actually titled “Repetitive entry-level job.” It paid nine bucks an hour and was listed as part-time even though it’s about 34 hours a week based on the description. No benefits, of course.

Even lousy entry-level jobs are specialized. The dishwashing jobs say things like “this is a great opportunity for someone in culinary school!” and the shitty overnight hotel jobs say “this is a great opportunity for someone in hospitality!” A lot of listings even advise you not to apply if you’re not basically already a member of the industry (because obviously, any entity paying shit wages and scheduling inhumane hours deserves experts in its any-idiot-could-do-this positions, right?).

I found a listing for greeter (basically a doorman or lobby attendant?) in a super upscale apartment building. YOU’LL BE THE FACE OF THE FRONT OFFICE AND THE FIRST POINT OF CONTACT FOR THE MAJORITY OF OUR RESIDENTS! Pay rate conspicuously absent. They want enthusiasm and “great energy!” and they probably want it for nine bucks an hour, and you probably have to buy your own uniform.

A few low-paying, part-time office admin jobs require the applicant to have up-to-date technical or professional licenses.

All that said, though, I’ve sent off a few resumes with snappy, well-written cover letters today anyway. One was even for a semi-technical telecommute gig, which would be ideal! (I googled the shit out of the company to make sure it was real and not just a honeytrap for resumes/identities first, of course.)

There’s a position I’m considering applying to, just because I think I’d enjoy it, but it’s full-time. I’m not sure I want to work at all, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to work full-time. On the other hand, it’s not like I’m doing anything; I’m not even volunteering. (Although now that fall’s here and it’s not NINETY DEGREES AND SIXTY PERCENT HUMIDITY AT ELEVEN O’CLOCK AT NIGHT, I want to. I wanna go volunteer at the soup kitchen I donate to sometimes.)

It’s been hours since I last had a taco. I’d better go eat more tacos.