In which there’s a post because I haven’t been posting for shit for MONTHS.

Okay, so, the new prescription. I now have new glasses and new contacts. Full-on examination routine at the optometrists’ because I’m old: glaucoma tests, retinal images, the works. The new prescription is awesome for distance-viewing (holy SHIT things are clear), but I can’t read — or even see whatever food I’m eating — because I can’t focus on anything less than an arm’s distance away from my face. I’m practicing near vision by looking at things progressively closer to myself and waiting for my eyes to adjust but this sucks and is tedious. Not being able to read a book with one’s contacts in is really lame.

My cycle is getting weirder all the time. My luteal phase is still a textbook perfect 14 days, but my follicular phase is erratic as hell and was only 12 days in February. Two months ago I had a 24-day cycle, which needless to say I was unprepared for. I mean, my average used to be 33 days; now it’s about 29, but seriously: nobody expects a 24-day cycle. That’s just plain insanity. Also the return of the acne: Jesus Christ don’t even get me started on the subject of zits. Good job, hormones.

I think I’ve had some mild hot flashes, too. On the other hand, thaaaaat could just be the unholy amount of wine I drink sometimes messing with my subjective experience of internal temperature. Hard to tell. My hair is probably quite gray but I keep getting it colored. Sometimes my knees hurt. I now feel officially nasty looking lasciviously at dudes under 30.

All of this shit leads me to conclude that I’m old. I’d had no idea youth would be so short, really. I’ve still probably got half my life left, but if my knees are gonna hurt I just don’t know about this because nothing used to bother me more than listening to older people endlessly catalog their maladies like I’ve just done.

Today I am home with a chest cold and laryngitis. Colds make me hungry. Nah, colds make me starving. Excuse me while I go hork down a bowl of curry and then take a two-hour nap with weird dreams.