When you get tattooed at Jade Dragon, they give you a little packet of A&D ointment for aftercare. A&D is a vitamin A and D ointment that you use to keep your new art moist, to help stop it from scabbing. They also give you a little card that tells you to use Preparation H for the next two weeks after the A&D runs out.

I just went to Walmart and could’t find Preparation H, so I grabbed a tube of Neosporin ointment and came back to work. My tattoo is itching and I haven’t put anything on it since about 8:30 this morning, and I figured Neosporin would work just fine. But then I thought I’d look it up, just to be sure. It’s got lots of crazy shit in it and I wondered if any of it would react with the ink or something.

I became totally confused.

I’ve read about nine different pages on tattoo care, and they are all utterly contradictory. One says use Neosporin, another says never use it, another says use only Neosporin cream and never the ointment. Another says use Preparation H, another says never use Preparation H at all, while others say use any good hand lotion. Still others say use only Curel! Or use a lanolin lotion! No, don’t use lanolin!

It’s fucking absurd.

I finally found this page, which says Neosporin is fine as long as you don’t react to it, which I don’t. So I’m putting some on.

I also found a page that says tattoos really hurt. The chick who wrote it has five. I have three, I didn’t find that they “really hurt.” Well, actually it does hurt for the first five to ten minutes, but after that it’s all groovy because you get all those lovely endorphins swimming through your bloodstream. Once you hit the zone you could probably sit in the chair for hours, but the first few minutes are a little rough. The same page recommends that women be careful where they get ink because they will eventually be discriminated against. The whole idea just cracks me up.

Anyway, note to women everywhere: check your calendar before getting a low back tattoo! The first time I got a low back tattoo was the day before my period started. This time I thought my timing was fine… but, alas, it wasn’t. Something about the combination of cramping and bloating and a fresh new low back tattoo just utterly fails to be an amusing physical sensation. I mean, it’s not exactly torture, but if you can avoid the sensation please do.