In which I HAZ A MAD.

Dear cell phone carrier,

JUST FUCKING TELL ME HOW MUCH IT COSTS WHEN I ASK. I’m going to sign up anyway, and your stupid contract will ensure I can’t go anywhere.

Do not tell me “it’s sixty-nine ninety-five a month,” when that number is as related to how much the service actually costs as peanut butter is to parallelograms: which is to say, NOT AT ALL.

My $70 plan now mysteriously costs nearly $100 a month; that’s an extra $360 a year. Why not just tell me what the fees add up to in the first place? I mean, I asked you right to your goddamned face, and you decided to lie to me.

Why did you do that? WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT?! I hate your sneaky, underhanded add-on bullshit! When I asked you what I’d be paying WITH THE FEES AND SHIT INCLUDED, why didn’t you just tell me? Why didn’t you mention that my posession of a smartphone meant you were going to charge me an extra $10 a month, or that you’d be charging me $60 a year because of my poor credit? I was STANDING RIGHT THERE, AND I ASKED YOU SPECIFICALLY ABOUT BOTH ISSUES.

Every cell carrier I have ever done business with — and you’re the fourth, by the way — has done the same thing: “The plan you’ve selected costs sixty-nine ninety-five a month” really means, “that number I just pointed to on the brochure? Yeah, that’s utterly arbitrary. There will be fees and taxes and hidden service costs. We won’t tell you what the total is, because, well, we want to make you hate us for no good reason, because we seriously do not understand human nature at all.”

You’re a stupid cunt, Sales. Because if you’d just told me the truth WHEN I ASKED, I wouldn’t be pissed off now. I wouldn’t be seething with distrust and rage. Your account-opening bullshittery is so fucking awful that I can’t even think of an appropriate word to describe it; all it does is engender hatred toward your brand and your business practices.

If you want good will from your customers, why not just tell them how much it really costs to get a contract? Why not just say, “Listen, our competitors advertise a low-seeming rate, but here’s a copy of one of their bills: that seventy dollar plan actually costs what ours costs.” If you’d done that, I’d be HAPPY right now instead of angry enough to kick baby seals.

Fuck you very much, Sprint. Especially since I can’t afford to break my contract to go somewhere else. Especially especially since even if I did, all the other carriers would do the same goddamned thing! Your culture is bullshit, and I wish you and used car salesmen everywhere would go get the insides of your skulls undercoated.

Love,
Me