My adranaline issues have been practically absent for the past few weeks… until last night. I mean, I’ve had extremely mild episodes of symptoms, but nothing worth mentioning.

Around 10:30 PM I felt a huge lurch in my chest and I became dizzy and utterly freaked out. I actually put my finger to my neck to see if I still had a pulse. I did, of course, but it was rapid as hell. I went from drowsily drifting off to sleep to TOTALLY freaked out, sweating, antsy, and uncomfortable – in less than a quarter second!

Ugh. Here we go again. This is so not fair.

I was really tired but WAY too amped to sleep, so I got up and wandered around the house. I paced, drank water, did yoga, knitted a few rounds, paced some more.

I finally got to sleep, but I woke up every time Mr. Brett moved or breathed. And I woke up when he got up this morning, which means I got very little sleep last night. Right now I’m exhausted, amped, and too freaked out and uncomfortable to be able to sit in a chair for hours on end (which is why I’m not at work yet). I’m just waiting for this little episode to pass.

I gave my dad the Jeep so he could go run some errands in town.

I’ve had three or four super scary waves of this stupid hormonal shit so far today; it’s awful. I know intellectually that all these symptoms are the same ones they always are, that I’m going to be just fine… but there are moments, at the height of another adrenaline dump into the old bloodstream, that I feel like I must be dying.

It’s so stupid. I feel pathetic. My heart is POUNDING and I’m way over-oxygenated. I wish I could convince my body to stop doing this, but the things that usually work aren’t working so far today… yet. I’ve done sun salutes, this Nine Pillars meditation thing, japa, water, breakfast, and an extended-release St. John’s Wort capsule. I should be back on an even keel ANY TIME NOW.

I’m off to try and meditate… again. I hope this smooths out so I can GO TO MY DAY JOB. I want to fucking cry. I know intellectually that my glands are freaking out and telling my body all kinds of crazy lies, and this is causing the rapid heart rate, panting, sweating, dizziness, fear, shaking, and random pains, but I FEEL like I’m fucking dying of a heart attack. I’m tired, nervous, and I feel guilty that I’m not where I’m supposed to be, even though I know I couldn’t stay there even if I went – I’d have to leave my desk every 15 minutes and pace around the block.

Waaah!

I occasionally tell people that this condition is the result of living wrong for so long, because that sounds more interesting than just being a big dork. Ah, if only I had been that coke whore I always wanted to be!
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