Stella developed a lump on her back, last summer sometime. It didn’t seem to bother her and wasn’t growing, plus her mom has bumps all over, so we didn’t worry about it. But a couple of weeks ago it suddenly decided to double in size, so of course Mr. B elected me to take Stella to the vet so I could be the bad guy and let strange people in a smelly place poke her with sharp things.

Er, I assume the vet’s is a smelly place – if you’re a dog. It smells fine to me, but I’m only a human.

Anyway, Stella’s appointment was Friday. She loaded up in the Jeep with me and we drove to town to see Dr. Weigert at 9:30. He asked what she was in for, and I said, “She’s got a couple of cysts. I thought you could poke her with sharp things so she’ll hate me for bringing her here.” He laughed and said, “I think we can continue that tradition,” and promptly gave her a booster shot. Stella glanced at me. Argh!

Then he gave her a general overall exam (she’s still got the best teeth ever), then checked out the big cyst. He decided he wanted to empty it out, even invited me back to surgery if I wanted to go. Having already seen one of Brett’s cysts removed, I declined. When the vet tech took Stella’s lead and tried to take her out of the exam room, Stella gave me the look that BRETT SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED: “Are you seriously letting these people take me somewhere?!?!?” My heart broke a little, but I waved my hand and said, “Go on, Stella. It’s cool.” And off she went with the the vet and the tech.

I sat in the exam room feeling somewhat guilty – she’s such a good girl, and they always do such terrible shit to her at the vet because she always has the kind of ailments that require getting poked with sharp things – I balanced my checkbook to keep myself busy. Damn Brett! He should torture his OWN damn dog and not make me do it! The last time I brought MY HUSBAND’S DOG IN was a couple of years ago after Shiva’d really fucked her up in a fight; the vet had had to flush out a bunch of really deep teeth wounds with a squeeze bottle and put her on antibiotics. She *so* did not dig it and kept looking at me like, “Get me out of here!? Like, PLEASE?!?”

The door opened and Stella half-trotted, half-wiggled her way up to me, eyes saying, “You didn’t abandon me here!” And right behind her: “She was so good!” the vet tech enthused. “Dr. Weigert wants to show you – the cyst was infected. That’s probably why it changed size all of a sudden.”

She withdrew and I petted the brave Miss Stella, who now had a bald spot and a 1-inch incision on her butt instead of a lemon-sized cyst from hell. The vet came back in and showed me a specimen cup half filled with blood and infected pus. (EEWH! What is it with my having to see the contents of CYSTS?!) “It was definitely infected,” he said, “and I’ll want to put her on a five-day course of antibiotics.”

“Of course,” I said. “That is, after all, why we come to see you. You always poke her with sharp things and put her on antibiotics.” He laughed.

So Stella’s big bump is gone and all is well. Being a dog, she’s probably already forgotten about being poked with sharp things. (Whew.)

Sunday morning when Brett went to give Stella her pill, Shiva, as usual, WENT TOTALLY NUTS. “Give me a pill! Give me a pill! Give me a pill!” He has to be physically restrained so that Brett can shove the antibiotic down Stella’s throat – he’s CONVINCED she’s getting some kind of really valuable attention.

The last time Stella was on pills Brett started shoving random stuff down Shiva’s throat too, just to make him feel loved: a balled-up slice of salami, a kibble, his fingers. The dog’s utterly silly. Brett got the idea Sunday that what Shiva REALLY needed was a mouth full of peanut butter, and he proceeded to smear peanut butter onto the roof of each of our dogs’ mouths. OH. MY. GOD! I’d forgotten how funny that is! All three dogs (just thinking about it now made me blow spit all over my monitor!!!) stumbling around trying to lick the roofs of their own mouths – it’s SO FUNNY! Brett and I laughed ourselves completely silly – if you’ve got a dog and never done it, DO IT. Take a glob of peanut butter and pack it into the top of your dog’s mouth. They LOVE peanut butter and go crazy trying to eat it. IT’S SO FUNNY!!!
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