This is how screwed up I am. The day before yesterday, I was pretty badly amped. Had to do a bunch of yoga and japa when I got home from work, and I was pretty sweaty-palmed and geeked out much of the day, but it was tolerable.

Last night was pretty rough too but it eased off and I crashed around eight, only to wake up when Brett came to bed and be unable to get back to sleep.

I was up and pretty miserable most of the night, and finally fell asleep around six or seven. Yes, this made me incredibly late to work.

Now it’s 1:15 and I’m having another panic attack. A bad one. It’s like way too much really-really-really bad speed, but I haven’t even had so much as a cup of tea for the past 48 hours.

This shit is basically daily now. I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I HATE IT.

I had tried to make an appointment with a doctor Penny had recommended, but he’s not taking new patients and I haven’t yet been able to figure out what to do – does one pick a shrink out of a phonebook at random? Not that I have any idea what a doctor could do for me, other than reassure me I’m not suffering from congestive heart failure and give me pills that may not help. But I definitely need a checkup and some reassurance, maybe even a professional’s description of how and why my body can make itself feel like this.

I have a system a friend loaned me that helps one deal with the symptoms – a book and a video – and though it’s cool I keep thinking it doesn’t apply to me, even though it does. I mean, I know that how I react to the symptoms determines how bad they are, but. But. I don’t know. I guess I expect someone to say ‘here’s a nice pill, you’re all better’ because I shouldn’t have to deal with this shit in the first place, right?

Twenty minutes ago I was dizzy and seeing spots and my chest hurt and I knew I was dying and I sat here in my office chair at my desk and made sure to breathe while I crossed my arms in front of me and rubbed my own shoulders, which were rock hard with tension, and tried to ignore the irregular beating of my heart.

Ah, hell. I hate this crap. Where should I go?