In which I record my first-ever bread baking experience in great and tedious detail! Yay!

I am not a baker. I have never made a loaf of bread in my life (except for in a bread machine, and that can’t possibly count for anything). In spite of this handicap, I am going to bake a loaf of bread. And live-blog it. And hopefully be able to eat it.

In November of 2006, a recipe for bread was printed in the New York Times. It sparked some kind of bread revolution, apparently. There are thousands and thousands of blog entries about it, there are entire websites dedicated to variations on the method, tons of pictures abound online, and you can spend hours watching people on YouTube gush about how awesome it is.

I don’t know how much of a pain in the ass kneading really is, but judging from the response to this recipe, it’s freakin’ bad. Anyway, here’s the vid that sparked a baking revolution:

Since I decided to try bread-baking last July, I’ve had about five people tell me to try this recipe. They all swear it’s awesome. I finally dug around in G’ma’s kitchen until I found a lovely old cast iron Dutch oven, and figured it was time to just do it already, damn it.

Last night, I walked over to Loney’s (aka Harvest Foods, aka the corner store) and bought yeast and some spelt flour. (I chose spelt because it looks like whole wheat and it came in a small bag and I didn’t want to carry 5 pounds of whole wheat flour home. I know nothing about spelt.) I went into the kitchen and threw some stuff into a bowl and stirred. Here’s my first batch of NKB, percolating in a bowl:

Considering how easy this recipe is – there are four ingredients and three steps – I’ve done nothing but screw it up so far: I forgot to mix the dry ingredients before adding the water, I substituted 1 c. of spelt for all-purpose flour without consulting anyone first, and then I just went ahead and added too much water. That was yesterday. Today, I’ve handled the dough too much because I can’t be bothered to read a recipe properly, have possibly added too much flour while doing so, and I failed to get it to do the smooth ball thing it’s supposed to do.

Yeah. So. Um. Basically, if this loaf of bread decides to be edible after all that abuse it’ll be a fucking miracle.

Right now, the bread is doing its final 2-hour rise thang. In 45 minutes, I’m going to put that lovely cast iron Dutch oven into a 450º stove and let it pre-heat for half an hour. Then I’m going to attempt to place a lump of wet, sticky, unruly dough into that incredibly hot vessel without scorching my skin or anything else in the kitchen. Riiiiiigt.

Even if the bread fails and comes out resembling an angry hockey puck, the house will probably smell good, right?

Update (6:53pm): The oven is pre-heating! OMG, this bread thing is really happening!

Update (7:08 pm): The bread is in the oven and I didn’t give myself 3rd degree burns or melt the linoleum!

The Dutch oven was literally smoking when I opened it, but that’s probably just some of the grease cooking out – it’s older than I am (the Dutch oven, not the smoke). I threw the crazy, wobbly dough into it, put its lid back on, and closed the oven door. G’ma, who was looking on, said, “Well, the dough looked live to me. I don’t think you’ll end up with a brick.”

Update (7:49 pm): After half an hour, I took the lid off of the Dutch oven. The bread looks like BREAD! The house smells like HEAVEN. And honestly, I’m really not even that much of a bread person.

I think this loaf of bread will be edible in spite of all my best efforts to screw it up!

Update (8:09 pm): I made bread! And it’s crackling as it cools, just like it’s supposed to.

I’m going to let it cool for 15 minutes, and then I’m going to cut into it and EAT SOME. G’ma took butter out of the freezer to warm up for this very purpose. The house smells fantastic, you guys, you can’t imagine. Way better than any bread machine bread, hands down.

Update (8:42 pm): I’ve had two slices of spelt bread with butter. It’s perfect in every way: perfect crust, perfect crumb, and no raw instant yeast taste. If I weren’t on a diet I’d eat half the loaf in one sitting. It’s fantastic. I’d recommend this spelt bread to anyone on earth.

My conclusion is that this is essentially a fool-proof recipe; I did nothing right and it came out anyway!

• The original NYT “no-knead bread” recipe
• No Knead Bread: so easy a 4-yr old can make it!
• No Knead Bread Baking Method
• No Knead Recipe Variations

RECIPE: Spelt Bread, using the No-Knead Bread Method

When your bread is cool, slice with a serrated knife, slather with butter, and enjoy!