Seven things I thought about while I was in the bathroom this afternoon showering, drying my hair, fixing my face, and getting dressed.

1. Ganglion cyst
My accursed cyst disappeared sometime yesterday afternoon ALL BY ITSELF! I mean, it was there around three or four yesterday afternoon, I remember because I was trying on a mitten I was knitting and I saw it there, then at dinner at Noodle House last night with Tahmi & Jason I noticed that IT WAS GONE! Halleluia. For real.

Some might not consider a ganglion cyst a ‘personal hygiene’ issue, but I hated it the way I hate a mutant eyebrow hair or a hangnail or a zit.

2. Pudgelette
My God, how did I get so fat?!?

I put on a pair of jeans today (that I last wore before my BFP, a mere seven weeks ago) and damn if I can barely breathe in them. Damn!

3. Perfect nails
I had perfect nails just three days ago. Like, PERFECT. Like, “Are you drinking gelatin?” perfect.

Then life happened. Now I have a bunch of no-nails and about four freakishly long ones, like those sickening coke nails hipsters and dudes called Huggy grew in the 70’s.

4. Body hair
If I didn’t love y’all, I’d take a post a picture of the HUGE WAD OF HAIR that coagulated forlornly in the drain after my shower today, but I do so I won’t.

Suffice it to say that whatever wonder pregnancy hormones had wrought is well past now, and I’m back to going bald again. GOD DAMN IT.

To add insult to injury, my amusing and dismaying colony of chest hair has grown back since its last shave with a fucking vengeance.

5. Makeup
I saw The Mummy the other night. There’s a scene in it where the female lead is dressed up like a Bedoin or something, in veils and black eyeliner.

I just happen to own a container of honest-to-goodness middle eastern kohl, given to me by Ilana Iguana for my birthday about a decade ago. It came with a metal applicator – basically a giant, round-pointed toothpick – which I’ve lost. But the lid unscrews and it has a built in plastic applicator in it. To apply this wondrous eyeliner, you just put the applicator between your lids, close your eyes, and draw it from the inner to outer corners. When you open your eyes, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. Seriously. Dude.

As a contact wearer, I don’t apply it that way: I draw it on like a pencil, and only on the lower lid. Then I swoop on some mascara and I feel pretty and Eastern-looking. (Fat, but pretty.)

6. Teeth
I need to get my teeth cleaned.

About two years ago.

7. Sex appeal
The wonderful thing about my husband is that no matter what, no matter if I’m pudgy or losing my hair or if I have a giant zit on my nose or I haven’t bothered to bathe in three days or I haven’t bothered to wear clothes that MATCH let alone take any care whatsoever with my appearance and I look frumpy and unloveable, he always makes it perfectly clear that he still wants to Do It with me.

Because he’s wonderful. 🙂