I got the Jeep back yesterday. The battery was stone cold dead, so I had the guy put the charger on it. It started, but then the fan cowl wasn’t properly affixed so everything was rattling until it was screwed down.

It overheated on the drive home. Coolant on the ground, steam escaping around the hood.

Jeep = Not Fixed.

Back to the shop.

Brett said he put nearly a gallon of water in it this morning before I drove it back to Irvin’s. It didn’t overheat on the morning commute, but we dropped it off anyway ’cause clearly it’s not fixed yet. Sigh.

At least Brett’s truck is running well.

. . .
I’m going to spend the weekend at a nunnery – I really need it. I hope it’s rejuvenating. I’ll be blowing off my Amma seva in order to go, but I committed to this months ago so I guess it’s got precedence… If the damn truck hadn’t blown up Monday, I would have been where I was supposed to be in the first place, so I wouldn’t have scheduled anything for this Friday, so I wouldn’t be blowing off someone who deserves more help from me.

I continue to feel guilty and overwhelmed about this seva coordinator thing, and it’s not like me to feel either way for very long ever. The funk must be overtaking me. Grrr.

. . .
Honestly, I think I’m bordering on being a little depressed. Life’s lost it’s normal clarity and is presenting instead the dull, grainy side I associate with not feeling so good.

I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of having little infections and illnesses that take forever to go away. I’ve had a few bruises and bug bites that have been around for weeks. (Chronic infections: another common symptom of thyroid malfunction.) Trivial, I know – but added to the rest of the damn list it’s just insulting.

I’m tired of everything being difficult, even down to getting up in the morning and doing simple household chores.

I’m tired of feeling socially awkward. I know intellectually that I’m probably acting pretty much the way I always have, but my perception is that I’m not always quite succeeding properly at this behaving like a human being thing. I wonder if it shows–how disengaged I sometimes am.

I think I laugh too loud, or arc the conversation too hard to ever really print as normal. Shrug.

I remember being interested, vibrant, and healthy – I remember thinking my life was the coolest life than anyone had ever had the great fortune to live. I remember it because it was only a few years ago.

Now, I feel dull. Which would be okay except that it’s all the time lately. I always feel… off. I’m not sick, I’m not hurting, there’s nothing I could really point to and say, “This is wrong and I can’t take it any more;” it’s more of a long, dumb, trivial list of little things all of which together make me want to curl up in the corner and stay there for a year where I can’t bother anybody.

I feel forced when trying to interact with people sometimes lately. Things don’t strike me as being truly funny, or moving, or interesting sometimes, and I just do what I’m supposed to do. It’s fucking terrible.

…don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not miserable. I’m just… oh-so-mildly disassociated. No big deal, really, just it’s been going on for about three years now and I’m just tired of it. I want to feel good again! Waah!

I ordered Living Well With Hypothyroidism from Amazon the other day. Hopefully it will have some home treatment suggestions I haven’t already ferreted out. I read the intro online, and while the book hardly constitues medical advice, I’ve found I can’t get medical advice since my TSH is normal–in spite of the fact that I have all hypothyroid symptoms and my dad’s mom and sister were both hypothyroid blah blah blah–so this might be the way to go.

Apparently it’s really hard to get diagnosed, and the disappointing news is that even if you do get diagnosed, the treatment’s pretty useless anyway.

All I have to say is this: I’m only 35. If one more damn “health care” provider tries to tell me this experience is “normal aging” I’m gonna get un-apathetic long enough to bitch slap ’em. I’ve got eyes, I can see that the retired old ladies at Hy-Vee feel better than I do most of the time, arthritis and all.

I need to go buy more Chinese herbs. And minerals. When you take handfuls of supplements every day, you run out all the damned time.

(Note to self: Old blog entries are here. Don’t forget to import them eventually.)