(This may be TMI for some guys, but I doubt it’ll hurt you.)

So my body is fucking pissing me off and I just want to bitch about it. I’m not trolling for “there, there, dears;” I just want to fucking complain.

So.

Over the past few years, I’ve gone from being a happy, healthy, well-adjusted creature to being a fucking wreck. I now have “panic attacks,” of all fucking things, and my fertility cycle went from being totally predictable to being completely fucked up – and this means, of course, that my hormones are fucked up… Which means I’m fucking psycho.

I do not want to be psycho. I enjoyed being a groovy, rational, normal chick. I am now moving into the fringes of “she’s fucking crazy” territory, and it’s not because I’m a bitch, or stupid, or lazy. It’s because my body is ON CRACK. And I don’t even think it’s my fault.

I sometimes spend entire weeks suffering multiple panic attacks a day. Right now I’m totally amped and freaked out, and I’m bleeding when I’m supposed to be ovulating. I want to fucking cry but I’m too tense to enjoy that kind of release – my bloodstream is full of adrenaline and my heart’s skipping beats and I’m going to HAVE TO go work out shortly just to get through the hour without feeling like I’m going to fucking explode.

All this shit is due to some nebulous hormone imbalance… maybe. Or early menopause. Or maybe I’m just going fucking crazy, I don’t know. Sometimes I can’t even deal with my very easy day job because my panic symptoms are so bad.

The person I used to be hated working out. I still do, but I’m DRIVEN to it.

I’m now afraid of stimulants because they seem to increase the symptoms. (The upside is that I’ll probably quit smoking because I’m rapidly becoming afraid of nicotine.) I feel helpless because I am, on the whole, quite healthy… I just spend SO MUCH GODDAMNED TIME FEELING LIKE SHIT.

I’ve turned into a fucking roo: I can’t even drink coffee any more because it sets off my adrenals. Dude: I can’t DRINK COFFEE ANYMORE, let alone do any partying.

My libido is wrecked. It’s a total roller coaster. I either do not think about sex at all, or I think about nothing but. It’s all or none, and it’s driving my husband nuts because he has no way of knowing from week to week which wife he’s coming home to. Is he gonna get laid, or am I gonna look at him like he’s a fucking retard just for suggesting it?

I’m infertile, fine. I don’t care. If my hormones want to be that fucked up, fine. But they couldn’t stop there – nooooo. I have to be in a body that can’t stop pumping me up to run away from dangers that AREN’T EVEN THERE, that is so stressed and tight I get dizzy when I stand up, that has now decided to bleed all the time rather than have a normal monthly cycle…

I can’t get out of my body. I can’t stop monitoring it because it’s keeping me in a chemical state of hyper awareness. I can’t sleep more than five hours in a row, I can’t even have my period on time, I can’t get through a day without at least one panic attack. I am getting TOTALLY sick of this.

Best part is, it’s either a thyroid imbalance that’s so subtle no one will ever treat it, OR menopause (which isn’t even an illness), OR “just” panic syndrome. There are no acceptable – to me – treatments for any of these conditions. I just have to live with it, and if it’s panic syndrome I also have to live with the guilt that it’s my “fault” and I’m “doing it to myself” somehow.

Trust me – I see exactly how, when the symptoms start, I get so upset BECAUSE THEY SUCK SO FUCKING BAD that I make them worse. But the original cause? That’s a physical problem of some kind. I’m certain. Some hormone, telling lies to my body.

On top of all that – the fact that I’m supposed to be ovulating but am bleeding instead, and that I’ve been having multiple panic attacks a day for several days – on TOP OF ALL THAT, I’m fucking sick, too. Stuffy sinuses, snot, irritated chest. And I can’t hold still. And my heart is thumping. And my shoulders are so tight I can barely feel my arms.

Fuck this, that’s all I want to say. Fuck this. I want to feel normal again.
——–