I still have nearly every symptom there is associated with hypothyroidism… except for high TSH. The anxiety I was suffering from last year is under control, thankfully, but there are still two symptoms that I have that I particularly dislike.

The first is hair loss. As I’ve said before, I don’t think I’m a particularly vain female, but my hair keeps getting thinner and thinner, and it really makes me bummed. I feel that glasses, bad skin, and pudginess are adequate crosses to bear, and that potential baldness is just going a little bit too far! I mean, honestly – can anyone suggest that it’s in any way fair?!

The other symptom I dislike is my occasionally low-to-nonexistent sex drive. It’s hard on my hubby when I have zero hormones. He knows I’m not doing it on purpose, of course, but being repeatedly rebuffed can dampen a guy’s mood! And it’s so unpredictable; sometimes I feel normal, and other times I feel completely sexless – I sometimes go weeks on end without even thinking about sex even once.

If I were single, I might not even mind it much, to be honest – it uncomplicates things a great deal to never, ever feel any confusing heat about or from or toward anyone.

Honestly: it’s a great equalizer when no one at all turns you on! Everyone becomes utterly equal, and you interact with them based on what’s really there rather than some real or imagined sex vibe. I know it sounds bizarre, but I go through it now and then so I can say: there is something to be said for being almost entirely immune to the lower chakras.

But enough complaining; I suppose I should be grateful the herbal routine I’m on has solved the anxiety issue at least. Having a few things ‘wrong’ is a walk in the park in contrast with being afraid I’m losing my mind. One likes to feel the input she’s getting from her own head is at least somewhat accurate – the feeling that your feelings are simply wrong is remarkably scary, especially after thirty-four years of having complete trust in them! I am grateful, honestly. And I have a great deal more understanding of and respect for the creatures around me who daily deal with ‘the dread’. I don’t know how I’d do anything at all if I had to suffer from it for years on end.

You know when you occasionally have those truly altruistic moments? This morning I spent a few minutes feeling rather sorry for Brett. Not that he himself, like any human being, isn’t sometimes a pain in the ass to live with; but it occurred to me that if given a choice he probably would not have designed for himself a wife whose hormones fluctuate more than the tides, whose hair is falling out, who probably won’t be giving him any children, and who is the moody monstrosity I can sometimes be! (Before anyone gives me a lecture about self-esteem issues, it was just a passing moment of compassion for my life-mate’s experience. I’m generally utterly so wound up in my experience that it’s refreshing to be tired of shit from the other guy’s point of view.)

Heh.

Now that I’ve felt sorry for myself, I’ll proceed to feel sorry for my Jeep for a bit: just as I was slowing down to turn into my driveway last night, it began to billow steam and smell like antifreeze. I parked it and let it cool down… and haven’t really touched it since other than to take the readiator cap off and put it back on, and open and close the hood around that investigation. We haven’t the cash to drop the Jeep off at Irvin’s just now, so it’ll sit in the driveway for the next five or ten days, and I’ll commute with Mr. Brett. (It’s handy to be working in town these days rather than out at the Jade building because I can walk to lunch.)

May is an extraordinarily expensive month for us every year, and this year both of our vehicles have decided to help us spend our money, the little bastards – Brett’s truck spent about $600 just a week ago on a clutch and some U-joints. Hopefully all the Jeep wants is a new hose; it had metal in the oil a few years ago when we got it (which is why we didn’t want it, but that’s a different story) and we’ve pretty much always expected it to blow up sooner or later. I really hope that now isn’t sooner, especially since we traded the Toyota for a car that isn’t particularly roadworthy. Having the Toy as a backup vehicle was actually really nice; whenever one of our daily drivers shit the bed we could just drive the pick-up until the crisis had passed. Now if one of our ‘good’ cars is broken, we carpool.

Please note that we own probably ten vehicles. So not having anything else to drive is absurd.

Well, the old Ford runs and drives, true – but when Brett’s daily driver was in the shop that week and a half, he didn’t drive it, not once. It’s got a flat, but that’s easily fixed with 20 minutes and $7.50. No, he didn’t drive it because it’s uncomfortable as hell.

And the dump truck runs, of course – but it’s a workin’ truck. It gets rented out. And while it’s a much more comfortable ride than the old Ford, it uses too much gas to be a daily driver.

The other three or four or five or six vehicles (depending on how you count) don’t run or drive. Which is, I repeat, absurd! We need to get at least one of them fixed, running, driving, licensed and insured so that it’s there when we need it! Sheesh! You’d almost think we was dumb rednecks now woudn’tcha?
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