In which I go on about my ex-husband and how batshit crazy I am.
As y’all know, sometimes I troll my own archives. Today I found this post from May of 2007:
I don’t know what you did last night, but I went to my divorce party.
Wow. I sure was nice about The Ex back then.
Today I’m smokin’ pissed off at the man. How fucking hard would it have been for him to do the very little I asked BEFORE it was too late? Huh? How fucking hard?
Too hard, obviously.
I’d forgotten about his little rally there at the end. What utter crap. Who does that? Who waits until their spouse is all but gone to even start to try to fix things? I literally cried, begging him to help me with some of our shared work, and he never did… until he felt that I was done with him. Then he started doing little things like calling from town to see if I needed him to grab some milk or dog food on his way home, or tossing the clothes into the dryer if I was busy elsewhere, or putting away the dishes.
I worked my ass off, and he told me I was lazy. Then he’d ask me to help him when he decided to do some work, and got pissy when I refused.
I’m damaged goods. I get all weird whenever I meet a male that might decide to hit on me, even though my last relationship was really good. I still can’t stomach the idea of Being In A Relationship. I honestly do believe in my gut that relationships cost more than they’re worth, and that belief is entirely The Ex’s fault. Because of him, I truly believe that when you’re with someone, you owe them things: attention, compassion, patience, access. I can’t even dredge up a concept of sharing that isn’t somehow damaging.
The idea of being required to provide things to someone gives me the shakes. I don’t even want the benefits of being with someone, because they cost so much. I’d rather not cuddle, thank you, if it means I’m ever required to provide you with anything I don’t want to give.
I tried giving for eight years. I cooked and cleaned and let him overspend and talk me into quitting my own job. I listened to him tell me I was lazy, when he himself spent every night and every weekend on the couch getting stoned. I’m a vegetarian who made steaks and meatloaves because after three years, he decided he didn’t like the way I normally cooked. I washed a million dirty socks, and burned my own fucking garbage because he couldn’t be arsed to do it. I gave up music and theatre and satsang to stay home and garden and cook, but he wanted kudos for “letting” me go see Amma once a year. He routinely slept through parties he’d promised to take me to. I never once got flowers or chocolates, and we’d been living together for seven years the first time he ever cleaned his own nasty fucking toilet.
No, he never cheated and he was never violent and he always checked in so I’d know where he was. But I ended up with thousands of dollars worth of bills, I can’t open a checking account, and I freak out whenever guys act interested in me because I think they might want something.
The Ex gave me his word that he’d pay the Cingular bill and never has. The Ex swore he’d send me my Brownie camera TWO YEARS AGO and still hasn’t done it. Who in the holy fuck acts like that?
And more importantly, what the hell was wrong with me that I decided to marry someone like that? Was I really that smitten with having finally been asked to marry? What the hell was wrong with me? And what the hell was wrong with my friends at the time? Why didn’t anybody say anything? Like, “Hey, Mush, that guy is an addict and he doesn’t work very much. Historically he prefers to fuck off and party.”
I’m mad. I’m really mad. I’m pissed off at the all the times I got my feelings hurt and all the times I bit my tongue and all the times I took the high road. I’m pissed off that he had the audacity to be hurt when I dumped his useless ass. I’m pissed off that he still has not done the few small, trivial things he said he’d do since we split. I’m pissed off that I still have to sign credit card slips with his stupid last name.
I’m pissed off that I put so much time and energy into the marriage only to end up with nothing. I’m pissed about the few pieces of furniture I liked that I abandoned out at the farm because I had no where to put them. I’m pissed about the two leather coats that were covered in mold and utterly beyond recovery when I went back to get them. (Dehumidifier, you stupid dolt? Heard of them? WHO LIVES IN A HOUSE WITH ROTTING CLOTHES IN THE CLOSETS?!) I’m pissed about all the money I’m paying out on bills that are in my name because he had no credit and I’m pissed that he’s never even offered to help pay off these bills. I’m pissed off that (according to the grapevine) he works very little, and isn’t even paying his lousy property tax so I couldn’t even get money out of him if I wanted to.
I’m pissed that he’s lazy and selfish and that he hurt me, and I’m pissed that I’m still pissed. It’s been nearly four years, and I’m still angry.
I can’t even remember what his voice sounds like, so it’s not about him. I’m just pissed that I’m pissed.
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I understand this pissed off condition. More than I can say here. I also remember the divorce party. Not as much as if I’d actually gone to it, of course.
It fucking sucks!!! -m
This explains the panic attack the other day.
(Oh. Um. Shit, you’re right. -m)
Totally hear you and understand what you’re saying – I kick my former self on a regular basis at times.
Two things I’ve learned to use to not be so mad at myself: 1) accept the anger (“When Things Fall Apart” – wonderful read), 2) enjoy life now (isn’t it great being able to do Your Thing again?)
Also, you’ve learned an important lesson: you’re willing to give of your self just for the sake of making someone else happy, but not if that means making yourself unhappy. Use that going forward, as a measure of how you’re giving of yourself to other people – favors are fine, as long as You Really Want To [do the favor]. Is what you’ve gone through worth having gone through in order to learn that?
Shutting it now. 🙂
then be pissed. you have the right to be pissed. the relationship was one sided and you were the one who gave and gave.
would you have listened to people before you were married who might have been able to warn you?
hind sight is always 20/20. be pissed, so long as you don’t beat yourself up about it. that’d suck cuz you’ve already been through enough when it comes to that situation.
I am pissed. Pissed pissed pissed. *sigh* -m
Also, you have your cool new middle name picked out already, and not being divorced yet is keeping you from making that change.
(It’s like lining up dominoes and not getting to kick that first one over.)
No wonder you’re in this state right now. (!)
Amma gave me that name several years ago. I’ma gonna make it legal when I do all the name-change stuff. Yay! -m
so, since its all about me and in many ways we are the same…. i have this breathing problem… i cant breathe sometimes… not rush me to the hospital but shortness of breath, sometimes wheezing just out of the blue… cant determine a trigger…. so my bfriend who knows about all this chinese medicine stuff says to me… its grief, you’re grieving….. i instantly burst into tears and suddenly can breathe….. didnt even notice i was sad…..not sure of the moral of this story but maybe its that healing is a looooonnnnggggg asss windy road……
It’s been YEARS. I should not still be at stages 5-6, but apparently I am. And you too. My God, I love you so. -m
Seven Stages of Grief
1. Shock/Disbelief
2. Denial
3. Bargaining
4. Guilt
5. Anger
6. Depression
7. Acceptance and Hope
Sad, sorry, truly. What a tough one, and it sounds like you are passing through all the appropriate stages of grief, because Bossy’s theory is that divorce is more like death than most things.
Bossy is a smart chick. *hug* -m
“I’m pissed that I’m still pissed. It’s been nearly four years, and I’m still angry.”
Dude…I hear ya on this front. Last week was the one year anniversary of when my ex broke my heart. I was thinking about it and got so irrationally mad that I had to suck on a Fla-Vor-Ice or 3 to calm mah nervez down. What makes it sooooo annoying is that he has tried to remain civil and even friendly with me and hang out and keep in touch, but my resentment and frustration towards my own anger for him makes it almost impossible to not be an overtly bitter anus brigade to him whenever we talk. Sigh…back to writing spiteful poetry about him…:
Ugh. I majored in Literature but poetry has never been my strong suit. So… I blog. (Yes, I know I’m a dork.) Solidarity, my sister! -m
I find myself, five years after the split, still yelling at her in my head in idle moments. Still wondering what the fuck happened–even though I’m in the midst of a great and supportive relationship. I still harbor lots of anger and resentment and angst about all of the different things that didn’t happen and won’t happen and have yet to happen, all the stories yet untold that now are irretrievably warped and set askew. Yeah. Stuck between 5 and 6 sounds about right.
I want to get over the part where I yell at him in my head. I haven’t even seen the man in well over two years. -m
Wish I had any great advice. Being able to articulate what you are feeling is a gift, though, even if you might rather just not think about it.
*hug*
I think the only valid advice might be therapy. I think about it, but never do anything about it. I probably do need to talk some of this out in an organized setting. -m