I miscarried.
I sat here reading about labor, that was a Godsend and helped me to think of the pain as a natural thing, I started breathing through it even before I really realized how bad the pain was getting. I had to pee, and it was nearly noon, so I took my cell to the bathroom with me. Brett called while I was in there, here to take me for lunch.
So I went and got in the truck, and talked with Brett for a quarter of the drive, and by then the cramping was intense, so I told Brett that I was in pain… he comforted me (as well as he could while driving) and we continued the ride home. The bumps on the road hurt, my uterus was cramping, and my lower intestine was (and still is) feeling very, very sore and tender.
I didn’t cry until I got home, in the kitchen Brett reached for me and I let it out. We sat on the couch and he held me. I was hungry, so when I stopped crying we went back into the kitchen. He made tuna melts and heated the soup, and I went to the bathroom.
When I sat, and relaxed my insides, there was a distinct plop. I thought, ‘that’s either a lot of blood quickly [not impossible, remember, I’m a pro at this miscarrying stuff] or that was tissue.’ I’ve never had it fall out like that before, and I wanted to see it, but — eewwhh, it’s in the toilet! Getting cold!
So I steeled myself and got up and reached in there… there’s something about tissues and plumbing that just do NOT go together (probably that Harlan Elison story I read in my formative years). It was quite a bit of tissue, in one chunk. (Good job, uterus! Cervix! You two pushed it right out! So economically!) If spread out, it would probably cover a few square inches. It was dark, dark red. I knew I could save it, in a jar or in a bag, and get it analyzed… I knew that’s what you’re ‘supposed’ to do, but I didn’t. I let it go.
After eating (I know it sounds weird to eat right away, but if it’s out it’s probably been dead for a couple of days already, and I was hungry) I went to the bathroom again, and there was more tissue. Another chunk, same consistency, and a little more jagged around the edges.
A lot happens in six weeks. It was certainly trying, poor zygote/embryo.
This is the email I sent to Chloe:
“You sitting down? Okay. I miscarried today… um, over my lunch hour.
“It wasn’t really that bad, all told. It was bad (it hurt my body and my heart) but it was so efficient, so well-done (good job, cervix! good job, uterus! clean it out!) that I almost feel a kind of pride in it.
“Brett and I cried, and settled on feeling sad but mildly relieved, too. But sad.
“So I think I might smoke a cigarette tonight, that’s exciting, hey?
“I came back to work after lunch. I know it seems weird, but the worse was over and it seemed like the right thing to do. I’m comfortable, ensconced in my office chair doing data entry, and I have my office window open to the lovely spring breezes. I feel, well, good. I’ve been feeling bad for a couple of weeks, more often than not. It’s been an interesting journey.
“Love,
Mush”
Reni says:
hey ya’
Mush Mook says:
hey
Mush Mook says:
you sitting down?
Reni says:
how are you
Reni says:
yea
Mush Mook says:
I miscarried
Mush Mook says:
and I feel so much better
Reni says:
oh
Reni says:
you do?
Mush Mook says:
yeah
Mush Mook says:
I didn’t feel good
Reni says:
ok
Reni says:
you went to dr B?
Mush Mook says:
I felt uncomfortable, and scared, and fearful
Mush Mook says:
not like me at all
Mush Mook says:
yeah, I saw him yesterday
Reni says:
yes, I hear you
Reni says:
what happened there?
Mush Mook says:
he said he didn’t know what to tell me, that it was too early for an ultrasound
Reni says:
yea
Mush Mook says:
that he could do hgc blood screening, but that it wouldn’t really help
Reni says:
yea
Reni says:
so
Mush Mook says:
today I miscarried
Reni says:
today
Mush Mook says:
um, over my lunch hour
Reni says:
you could tell?
Mush Mook says:
oh yeah
Mush Mook says:
you get cramping, rhythmic
Reni says:
wow
Mush Mook says:
your cervix opens and your uterus pushes out the tissue
Mush Mook says:
and you can see the tissue
Mush Mook says:
it’s pretty interesting
Mush Mook says:
so Brett and I went home for lunch, cried, ate some soup
Mush Mook says:
and I felt like coming back to work
Mush Mook says:
so I did
Reni says:
yea
Reni says:
you guys cried
Reni says:
ahh guys
Mush Mook says:
oh yes, no more baby
Reni says:
he was so excited huh?
Mush Mook says:
we agreed on “sad but sorta relieved”
Reni says:
yea
Mush Mook says:
he said he’d still love me, even if I was barren
Mush Mook says:
lol
Reni says:
lol
Reni says:
you aren’t barren
Mush Mook says:
Mush Mook says:
maybe
Mush Mook says:
I’ve had a lot of miscarriages
Reni says:
yea
Mush Mook says:
way a lot, according to the doc
Reni says:
but that doesn’t mean
Mush Mook says:
like, ‘you should see a fertility specialist’ kind of a lot
Mush Mook says:
🙁
Reni says:
hmnn
—–
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