“The embryonic heart begins beating, though it can’t yet be seen on ultrasound.”

Holy shit! It has a HEART BEAT ALREADY?

Today I started surfing Amazon.com for baby books. They preview the first 42 pages of many of their books, so I can just look right in there and read the intros. Most of the books start with “now you’re pregnant, you might feel like (a), (b), or (c).” They’re all the same… happy, disbelieving, ambivalent, or freaked out. Buh! Are these people idiots? Don’t they read their competition? Maybe those books would do better to dispense with the entire first chapter altogether and simply say, “You’re knocked up! It’s so normal! Everything you might be feeling is perfectly okay.”

I’d like to buy a book for new dads, but I don’t know if Mr. Brett would even read it…? Maybe he would, if it were funny enough. And I guess I’m supposed to become completely psycho next week so he might like something that explains to him what he already knows: if your predominantly rational and loving wife starts being otherwise, don’t take her seriously.

I don’t feel at all queasy. I don’t feel PMSed. I feel, um, pregnant. I don’t feel psychotic, I’m not pissed off or yelling at people… the main difference is the pressure in the belly, and the strange body chemical keeping me from getting a horrific headache due to my messed up neck. (I slept funny the night before last, so my neck is a disaster.)

Mostly I’m happy. I’ve been feeling happy, since just after the first few hours. (It took me a few hours to adjust to having just lost my entire fucking life… no smoking, no drinking, no living exclusively on fried food.) I’m prone to start smiling for no reason. I’m happy that Brett’s happy (for the record, this IS all his fault). He seems really happy. Unusually happy. He did this on purpose, I’m convinced of it. Who knew he’d be so happy?

I want to tell everyone but I don’t know how to bring it up. I don’t want to tell everyone and then miscarry, although I don’t know why I feel that way. Brett and I agreed last night to just tell everyone, but so far, neither of us has. The second trimester doesn’t start until May 21st. There’s no possible way we can wait that long. He’ll have to start building baby furniture before then!

I’ve had a lot of miscarriages. I wonder if I’ll have one this time… I keep wondering if I’m getting cramps. Are my boobs less tender than they were yesterday? Does that mean anything?

I imagine this entire journey will be a long list of questions. Am I going to miscarry? Is this really happening?

Facts about doulas: “Besides making a woman feel more relaxed and confident, doulas can actually help make the labor progress easier and faster. Studies have indicated that the use of doulas can result in labors that are 25 percent shorter. Also, requests for epidurals drop by 60 percent, and women are half as likely to undergo a Caesarean section.” I wonder if Dharmaja will doula for me.

I also need to start, according to WebMD.com, thinking about my birth plan, taking prenatal vitamins, and making appointments with my OB (which I don’t even have yet). I want to go to Washington. I’ll have to call Tina soon.

I asked for insurance info today from LISCO. Ugh. $37.65 out of every paycheck! But when I get it, it makes the maternity office visits with selected Alliance providers only $15 each. Could save us a lot of money.

The name list begins:

Seth – Marthann (two of my grandparents)

Would Marthann Mook be a horrible name for a daughter of Brett’s? Snort! Seth Mook would be a good name for a boy, I think. I like Anika or Annika, too. Hmm. This is going to be an impossible task, this name-coming-up-with. It’ll end up being after a relative, just to make it easy.
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