In which I share a copy of a letter I’ve written.
Teh BF reminded me the other day that I’m still not legally divorced.
Which got me to thinking about The Ex and all the other stuff he hasn’t dealt with that I’ve been waiting on him to deal with. So I wrote a little letter, and it goes like this:
Dear [The Ex],
Hello! Apparently I no longer have your phone number. For that reason I’m resorting to sending you an old-fashioned letter, because I need to go over a few things with you.
First, can you please send my Brownie camera? I don’t mean to nag, but i’s been a year. Please? I really want it.
Second, didn’t you say that you were going to file for divorce? Did you ever do anything about that? Are you going to?
Thirdly, when we were in Indianapolis and I signed that Cingular contract, you and [our friend] swore you’d do right by me no matter what. Well, it’s not your fault the way Indianapolis turned out, of course, but its been three years and that account is still in my name and it’s still in collections:
CINGULAR WIR…
2612 N Roa…
Attn Cr Bur…
Johnson City, T…
(888) 383-2…Can you pay off your DirectTV account too? It’s also in my name and in collections:
Aid Associa…
370 7th Av…
New York, NY 100…
(212) 330-9…Please understand that I’m paying off our four defaulted credit cards ($8444), the judgment against my checking account ($1000), and our defaulted U.S. Cellular bill ($626), all of which were our bills and which I’m not asking you to deal with at all, and I signed a quit-claim deed on the farm. Please get these two handled as soon as you can? Thanks.
I hope you get this letter; I have no idea if you’re in Iowa or still out in Wyoming! Hope you’re enjoying springtime, wherever you are. Give my love to Shiva.
When I finished writing this little missive, I had my co-worker Left Coast Girlie proof it for tone. After she was done reading, I said, “Is it bitchy?” and she replied, “No, not at all. It sounds like you’re trying really hard not to be a bitch!”
Which was exactly the tone I was trying to strike!
It’s so very much like The Ex to not, in a year, have managed to do a simple thing like ship me my camera. He said he’d do it, but of course he didn’t. He also said he’d serve me divorce papers, but of course he hasn’t. He also promised he’d deal with the Indianapolis cell phone fiasco, but that never happened either.
Hmm. I wonder whatever possessed me to leave such a wonderfully pro-active person?
Honestly, it should be water under the bridge by now but I’m still pissed off. I spent nearly eight years running that man’s life for him while he sat on the couch, and I will probably end up paying not most but all of the bills we racked up together AND filing for (and paying for) the divorce because he’ll just… never get around to it.
I keep hoping he’ll surprise me.
I remember him telling me way back in the day, before he proposed, that marriage was a good deal for women and a shit one for men; well, I’m here to tell you that my marriage cost me eight years of my life and somewhere around fifty thousand dollars, and his got him waited on hand and foot and netted him 27 acres with a house and a barn and sure he’s got a mortgage, but he’s also got equity. Which I don’t have.
All of which is why the following is still my favorite joke:
Q. Why does divorce cost so much?
A. Because it’s worth it!
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You’re showing an amazing amount of patience with this – one reason I ended up with *all* the bills and doing everything through my divorce was that I didn’t want to be married anymore, and I wanted out *now* (once I remembered I was still married).
Divorce is TOTALLY worth the high costs. I just wish that (for me) I’d had the foresight to see what a dick the eX was before I’d married him; would’ve saved a LOT of time and energy.
If I’m honest, it’s not patience. It’s stubbornness. I feel like BY GOD HE SHOULD FUCKING DO WHAT HE SAYS HE’S GOING TO DO, EVEN IF I DO FUCK MYSELF BY WAITING FOR IT. And yeah: ditto on the time and energy thing, except I wouldn’t know what I do if I hadn’t gone through it. -m
he is in Iowa I just saw him a few days ago. he was at the rock having drinks I think the job in Wy. is over, not sure.
Cool, thanks! -m
As I see it, you appealed to his feminine side instead of his masculine side. That won’t accomplish anything. Better to suggest that he’s less of a man if he doesn’t get this done now. I see nothing in that letter that would induce him do anything you’ve asked for.
Re-write.
Thanks for the male perspective. Will do. -m
I (!) sort of have to agree with Jim. That letter, while nice and patient and not at all bitchy, will be way too easily dismissed, especially for someone who is prone to dismissing things. I don’t know how I’d word it, but it seems like you’re not really expecting him to step up anyway, why not say what you really want to say?
I think if I said what I really want to say the way I really want to say it, it’d light the page on fire. I mean, this is a man who never found the time to hang a cupboard in the bathroom until after I’d left him and he got a new girlfriend, and who kept such a dirty house after I did leave him that when I went to pick up my stuff, half of it – including two leather coats – was moldy. Who LIVES like that?! -m
Also – *hugs*
One other thing…appeal to his hunting instincts by suggesting he probably wouldn’t be able to find your camera and send it to you, even if you know it’s sitting on top of the television where he’d see it every day.
Can I get an amen up in here????? I feel you girl…. I finished a 3 month almost daily pestering to get my ex to file the fucking divorce papers that should have been filed 2 years ago!!! All for the same reasons you list above….. I could never get him to prioritize me when we were married I’m not sure why I think he should start now but it would have been nice….
I will always be able to get a witness, as long as YOU draw breath! *smooch* -m
god. woman. i love you. you are amazing. and. um.
if i were you i’d sure as hell be including half of that fucking $8000 credit card debt and, hell, half the damn farm on your list of requests for the following reasons.
1) if you’re pretty sure he’s not going to do any of what you ask, why not?
2) if you’ve ever been in a position to do budget requests in a company, they tell you to ask for four times what you actually need/expect to get. that way you may actually get almost what you need. this also applies to bargaining in third world countries, except in reverse (start with a quarter of the quoted price). get on the william shatner bus & be a… yeah.
3) if you ever wanted to take legal action against him, his having in writing that you’re not going to ask him for half the $8000 might be against you. honestly, i’d fucking sue the fucking bastard already. get a lawyer and see if you can’t overturn that quit-claim thing by claiming mental distress or whatever.
4) when you say “i’m not going to ask you for this, i’m not going to ask you for that, i’m not going to ask you for the other thing, i’m only going to ask you these very few very small things,” well, as a person who has layabout tendencies myself, all i hear is, “i’m not going to ask you for much,” and i figure, well, i don’t need to give you much. or, really, anything.
5) boys don’t care about tone. bitchy, half-bitchy, trying-not-to-be-bitchy… he doesn’t give a shit. all he cares about is, is this bitch gonna give me any trouble or can i safely ignore her? i say give him trouble.
6) if the whole thing’s on principle, well, the principle should be, don’t be a goddamn lazy bastard who expects to sit on his fucking ass and get the world handed to him on a goddamn silver platter. if it were me i’d be ready to kick his ass into the dusty road, even if it did saddle me with a mortgage (don’t forget the equity!) so ask for the damn $8000. on fucking principle.
Now, i know you’re not going to get a lawyer, sue him, or kick his ass into the dusty road. but by suggesting the most extreme possible actions, didn’t I get you to maybe consider the less extreme, i.e. the $8000? at least a little?
that’s what I’m talking about.
again. love you babe. xoxoxo
I love you too. You’re right, I’m not going to sue him because I Do Not Want any of that shit:
The Farm – is untenable. He’s got the house so torn apart that there’s no living in it and there’d be no way to sell the thing. I would rather live in a cardboard box under a bridge than live there, and I could not under any reasonable circumstances pay the mortgage and the taxes on it if he decided not to do so. The quit claim was on purpose and I’m happy to say so right here on the Innernizzle. That piece of land is an albatross.
The Money – isn’t there to demand from him. Can’t get blood from a stone. He doesn’t work legit jobs and he doesn’t file taxes so there’s no wages to garnish. Plus I’m not like that. It’s just money, so fuck it.
The Debt – is all in my name because he had no income on the books and therefore had no credit. The amount of time and energy it would require for me to require him to pay any of it is, to me, simply not worth it. I’ve almost got it paid off anyway; I put it all (except the ones listed) into a debt management program and have been throwing money at it now for 18 months.
The Divorce – I really do insist he does that, since he’s both in Iowa and his mom knows all the lawyers in town.
The fact is that I never sent the wimpy letter above; I re-wrote it to be more like, “Hi. You will do this, this, and this, by the following date. Call or write to tell me it’s done. Have a nice day,” but haven’t managed to buy a stamp for it yet. -m