In which I ponder my reactions to my life and wonder at the key to joy.
During the last few years of my marriage, when I was depressed and boxed in and miserable, I developed a form of aversion to complacency. (In my defense, at the time my complacency was nearly killing me: I had an unsatisfying relationship, I felt trapped, I had no career to speak of, no artistic outlet, limited spiritual outlet, a day-to-day schedule focused on cooking and cleaning that I loathed, and a hideous panic disorder because of it all.) I’d been in that state for years and had been so busy convincing myself that I had a great life that I was going nutso.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve always been an optimist. I’ve always been happy with what I have, be it ever so humble. But. I have finally learned that I am not only an optimist, I am someone capable of making herself sick pretending that she likes a life she really doesn’t.
I love change. Always have. I love travel, I love new jobs, I love new friends and new experiences. The past two years of my life have been change-filled: I left my marriage, I moved across the country, I traveled a lot. It was wonderful.
Now, though, I’ve been living in the same room and working the same job for a year. I’ve had the same boyfriend for six months and we’ve settled into a routine, a schedule. (I sleep at his place on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. The rest of the week he drops me off at home around 11 or 12 and I sleep there. I’m home on Saturday and am supposed to do my laundry and knitting and surfing and lazing around then.) I’ve been playing with the same band long enough that I’m bored of playing the same songs, I’m bored of the same mistakes, I’m bored of the types of audiences we pull because they’re all ten years older than me.
See, listen to me! My life is awesome and all I can do is bitch. Somewhere deep inside I can feel myself panicking a little: am I really happy or do I just think I am?
I love the freshness of upheaval and change. I like the tension and edginess of it. I like to be utterly engaged in living my life.
I dislike that so many moments of my life lack any kind of depth at all; once you’ve done something often enough it becomes really hard to focus on what you’re experiencing. I can walk all the way to work and not even notice it because I’ve done it so many times. It’s all blending into nothing.
A statement like that might make you think that some spiritual discipline may be in order, that I should perhaps focus more on changing myself rather than the external world around me. On the one hand, I’d agree. But on the other, I learned wariness of even that when I was married: I tried very hard to see marriage as a spiritual path… but instead I lost myself to it. So now I stick to what I know, which is simply that I like change.
I know from experience that I can deceive myself by pretending to be happy, but I know I’m not deceived about my happiness when I’m doing shit like moving halfway across the country or starting a new venture. I think I trust my ability to act more than my ability to react.
Right now, I’m feeling complacent, and it’s scaring me a little. Am I in the right place, doing the right thing? Is life supposed to be this… flat? I’m safe, I’m comfortable, but am I engaged in living? Nah, not so much. I’m embroiled in a routine.
And it’s showing in my attitude. I’m a little more than abrasive now when I’m annoyed. I’m feeling fussy about my schedule. I’ve been standoffish with my boyfriend. I’m tired all the time. I’m feeling irritated about the stuff I’m not getting done (like laundry, room cleaning, cooking in general, and bento-making in particular) and irritated with the stuff I have to do (like my day job and gigs). In short, my attitude sucks.
I’m tempted to chock it up to season change, PMS, and the need for a vacation. But truth be told I just had a vacation and I’m wondering if it’s not just proof that my life is stupid and that I need to do something about it.
But do what? Get a new job? Start new band? Do I need to move again? Meditate more? Change my schedule? Shall I just run about all over the place until I get too old to do so?
I’m only going to get so many breaths. I know what it feels like to be happy and joyful and engaged, and I can’t understand why it can’t be like that more often. Is it me? Is it the world? Are my expecations out of whack?
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Even though I *heart* routine. And fear change. I totally
understand what I think you are feeling. I get an itch around a year
of being in the same place. I feel stagnant. The desire to move or start over nags at me, much like the itch of chickenpox.
I think it stems from being a military brat. Do you have a couch I
could lie on, Dr. Mush. :)~ I don’t have any advice really. So. Right.
I was helpful.
It’s probably the One Year Itch. No doubt I’ll be fine once the weather settles into proper winter. And by ‘fine’ I mean ‘lazy and depressed ’cause it’s dark alla damn time.’ -m
YOU ARE A ROCK STAR. Knock this shit off.
That’s exactly what I need to hear. I <3 you. -m
Wow, I’ve been thinking all day that Fairbanks would be an amazing place for you what with all the tremendous art that goes on here. Music, theater, opera, blues, jazz, rock & roll, regular Shakespeare, even vaudeville, all in a small town like this. It’s been on my mind for 3-4 weeks that I should send you one of the newspaper supplements to show you what’s up here. Just bought tickets to the Fairbanks Light Opera Theaters production of “The Most Happy Fella”, been to a 3rd Eye Blind concert, a most wonderful college concert of blue grass music, two plays down on the river at the Fairbanks Little Theater, to a couple art exhibits, downtown to see two plays by the local Shakespearean company, etc. etc.
So, sorry, I’ll get out of your head now.
OK PEOPLE, NOTHING TO FEEL HERE. MOVE ALONG.
Sounds like an awesome scene. I was going to try to come visit you, but flights up there are like $900 and so I didn’t. But isn’t Alaska, like, freakin’ cold? -m
I have to agree with your dad that perhaps living somewhere with a bit more culture and diversion would help.
I’m having a little too much upheaval in my life right now- wanna trade? Lol.
You can come visit P-town whenever you’d like. No doubt we could find plenty of trouble to get into.
I SO TOTALLY need to get the fuck over there to see you. -m
Yeah, it gets cold up here, which is why the winter population is only 40,000 or so. But the summer population is over 400,000 as tourists flock in…which is how the town is supported and gives the place such a strong arts scene. Although it sounds like you’d be fighting hoards of people all summer, it’s really not like that. It is more crowded but not so’s you’d notice…
Then there’s the fact that people adjust to the cold. Warm clothes, warm car, and a warm building is basically all it takes to be comfortable. And the snow is pretty.
Having just spent 15 years in the cold, I’m not so into the idea of adjusting to it. Cold winters suck, unless they’re new enough to still be charming. But I do totally want to visit your town! -m
“…once you’ve done something often enough it becomes really hard to focus on what you’re experiencing. I can walk all the way to work and not even notice it because I’ve done it so many times. It’s all blending into nothing.”
I know of what you speak. It’s like we become numb to experiences that are repetitive. It’s hard to enjoy ice cream with child-like glee when you’ve eaten enough ice cream to raise a small Caribbean island. (Mmmm… an island made of ice cream in a tropical climate, sounds like a delicious disaster.)
What about a small constructive change, like enrolling in a wine tasting class or something? You know, meet knew people, learn more things, and stuff like that. I don’t think your expectations are out of whack. A joyful life is a noble pursuit. And if you are not the type of person who eats up the stability dream (married, kids, stable job, mortgage, 401k, and all that jazz) then pursue the dream that brings you joy.
You’re a genius. A class of some kind is a really brilliant idea. Or maybe just finding a local stitch’n’bitch; something new and fun. -m
So I’m all supportive and shit but you seem to have plenty of that so, on that note…
attachment = samsara
Damn straight. -m
I agree with SHenry.
Then I think that pursuing a degree in your position, in that town, would not only be challenging, but downright difficult. Something to keep your interest up for some time to come. And Whitman is a fine college. You work just 8-9 blocks for the admissions building. Wander in there some day and see what they have. After you have your hospital bills paid of course.
Also, there are hundreds of volunteers needed for nearly everything and they seldom get bored. Find something to volunteer for.
I can’t go back to real school; I have $40k in student loans. But volunteering is another excellent idea! *smooch* -m
“My life is awesome and all I can do is bitch.”
I hear ya. Surprisingly, I’ve found that feeling guilty about how I feel regularly fails to make me feel any better. Not that that seems to stop me. At least I’m not the only one. 😉
THANK you. -m
You should take more pictures of California sunsets.
Touche. -m
ok, you’re so not boring. that’s a silly question.
as for your life, i think you don’t really like your job, maybe you hate your job. at least, when i IM with you you are always hating your job. talking to stupid people all day about their stupidity – while maintaining complete politeness – has gotta be a real pain. so maybe that’s a place to make some changes. it sounds like you’re also sick of your band so why not move on from that? there are more bands out there…
lots of ways to make changes without ripping up roots. i think people benefit from roots and community. roots feed your soul…
however, you did just get there; if you wanna put down roots somewhere, i really don’t know if walla walla is it…. i really couldnt stand to not be in a real city. we tried it. it sucked.
breathe. be patient. one thing to remember is that if you feel panicky and rushed about making a decision, for no real reason, that’s never a good time or way to make a decision. not sure if that’s how your’e feeling but.
love you. xoxo
I think it’s just seasonal angst, mainly, but thank you. Loves. -m
hi,i think your life is shit,but my life is so shit i feel like throwing myself into the river lagan.ive been threatening to leave my shit mairrage for 15yrs,im 35 2 kids.1 doing a levels other 1 gcse’s.i dont know how to get to fuck away from them all.xxx
Wow girl, I feel you. Put some cash away in the cookie jar and give yourself a weekend in a motel away from everything. Take a book and some junk food! *smooch* -m
You don’t “love change”. What you’re doing is picking uninteresting jobs, places to live, and boyfriends.
The things you pick initially seem interesting, but later turn out boring. So “changing” them feels great. This is not how to live life. If you picked genuinely interesting things in the first place, you would stick with them and HATE TO CHANGE them! Get it? You “love change” because your choices are wrong for you, then you want to get rid of them.
That’s like the person who injures herself because “it feels so great” to get better. You don’t want to live life that way.
Don’t go out with a guy just because you hate being alone. Make sure you have a very high interest in him. You are seeing your boyfriend way too much. Sleep over once a week. Pick a job that you REALLY LIKE. You don’t have to “love” it. That’s too hard to achieve. Just really like it.
When you pick an apartment, ask yourself, “would I stay here forever?” If yes, you are all set!
You must make LASTING choices. Practice. Practice making small lasting choices. Then the boredom will fade into insignificance. I used to be just like you loving change. Now I embrace lasting experiences with quality. Hope this helps you.
While I thank you for the passion of your comment, I have to say that you’ve made a basic assumption I don’t agree with: that permanence is both possible and desirable. Why on earth would I want to pick an apartment that I’d stay in forever? Don’t I get to change or grow? And where did you get the one-night-a-week number? How arbitrary.
The truth is that I’m not living a low-quality life here, I’m experiencing a temporary, low-quality perception of my life. The difference is internal, yes, I agree with you there, but the answer isn’t forcing myself to consider every choice as something I’m going to have to endure until I die. In this economy, no one has a job they’ll do for thirty years. Only a rare few of us stay partnered for long stretches of time; the vast majority of us are serial monogamists. Commitment is good, and so is sticktoitiveness, but personally, I’m constitutionally unable to strive for a life of non-change, and I’m glad of it. -m