In which I’m trying to figure my own shit out by observing my reactions to others.
Let me preface this whole thing by saying I know I’m hideously flawed myself and that I’m hardly one to talk about anything, ever. I’m sorry in advance if you see yourself here and get mad at me. I’m talking to myself as much as anyone, k?
That said, I need a t-shirt that reads, “Shut up and listen.”
It drives me nuts when people – my roommates are the most ready example [but not the only ones by far and they mustn’t, when they read this, assume I’m speaking only of them, because I’m not, m’kay?] – pick at each other. It doesn’t upset me in a ‘mommy and daddy are fighting’ sort of way, it offends me because they’re communicating badly and they’re doing it on purpose. And it reminds me of my own failed relationships… He’s not hearing her subtext, and she’s not hearing his, and they’re both saying the same thing – “I need you” – but are too busy being hurt and going on about themselves to listen.
Listen.
You know what the root of virtually all communication is? It’s simply, “I need you.” That’s what we’re all saying when we’re talking to each other. I need attention, love, validation. I need you to see me.
I need you to find me clever, useful, strong, resourceful, funny… in short, lovable.
Love me.
The actual content of the majority of our talking is irrelevant. On our death beds we won’t remember the content, but the feelings. Looking into someone’s eyes while you spoke and seeing love and acceptance is what you’ll remember, not the gossip you were actually speaking at the time.
Lately I’ve been noticing a trend when my friends tell me their stories. “So-and-so was a jerk to me,” they say. “And I’m mad, so I’m not telling him. I’m telling you.”
Oh, great.
In other words, they’re upset, so they ‘punish’ their friends by not telling them what they’ve done. They nurse these hurts and avoid the one whose ignorance (or selfishness, or awkwardness, or laziness, or stupidity) caused the hurt in the first place, and triangulate another person to bolster themselves.
Love me.
And just how, I ask you, is anyone supposed to improve themselves if, when they fuck up, their victims slink off into brooding silence?
I realize that we’re supposed to say nothing at all if we can’t say something nice, but there’s a limit to this axiom, people. Defend yourselves. Stand up for yourselves! Love yourselves! And love me enough to let me improve by telling me your truth, rather than brooding silently and vibing me bad, won’t you?
If I ever hurt you, let me have it. I want to know. (I rarely try to hurt anyone on purpose, so it follows that any pain I may have given was an accident.) Give me the chance to fix it, please.
But. If your hurt is so incredibly stupid that you’re ashamed to bring it up to me? Then adjust yourself. You’re an adult. Do it. No, it’s not comfortable but it’s not exactly difficult, either. Be the person you know you’re supposed to be. It’s that simple.
Listen. Are you being loving? As loving as you can? Are you giving enough? Are you doing all you’re capable of? Or are you just being a horrible, selfish, petty little baby?
These are important questions, people. And if we don’t ask them, who the fuck will?
I read a blog post last night by a young woman who had survived surgery. She said that it had pissed her off to listen to people bitch about such petty, stupid shit all the time. The message, in a nutshell, was that life’s too short to waste.
So, shut up.
Listen.
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I know I’ve not always listened because I was too busy talking. Great post, Mush.
Smooch.
Thanks. *Smooch* -m
yes, that’s the mature, adult thing to do. but that’s not something that’s been taught through example very often. it’s really hard to learn how to communicate effectively if it’s not modeled for them and if there’s no one to practice it with. it’s also hard because so many people associate anger with hate rather than it being a natural emotion that happens. that’s what makes them reluctant to tell people outright about how something has caused them to angry, hurt or whatever.
and sometimes, your friends just need to sound off to as a way of processing what they’re feeling before they talk to their friend (sort of letting off the initial steam) or before they can just let it go because the understand what’s going on with the other person and they don’t want ot make things worse by overreacting.
i totally agree with everything you said.
Good point about the lack of good examples. -m
You know, I agree with everything you say here…in theory.
It has always been my way, when things go wrong, to let them go and let them go. Why? Because I don’t feel I should have to tell other adults how to behave like decent, caring human beings. No one has to tell ME how to do that. Eventually what happens is that I have let enough things go that I am pissed as hell, and the other person is, in my eyes, beyond redemption. Then I just slip away.
I have been informed, on more than one occasion, that this is probably not the best way to handle things, that I don’t give people a chance to do right, that I have to tell them what’s wrong, explain what I need, and give them a chance to make a change for the better. It’s only fair.
Fair enough, I said. I’m tired of walking away from people who used to be friends. I’ll try it.
Care to guess the outcome?
Every time I have told people, as calmly as I know how, what is bothering me about their continued behavior, behavior that I only mention because it’s bugged me for the 4 millionth time, they act surprised, get defensive, then get pissed at me. Best case scenario has been that they haven’t tried addressing the thing at all. So now not only do I have the resentment of them being assholes all the times I didn’t say something, I have the additional bonus of having told them what was wrong and having them totally disregard my feelings. Insult to injury if I ever heard it.
I’m back to keeping my peace, and walking away when I’ve had enough. I don’t really think I was so wrong after all.
Keeping your peace is one thing. Endlessly bitching and picking is another.
And you’re right: some folks just don’t wanna hear it because they’re bastards and they don’t care, or they’re too weak to change. -m
Exactly!!!
A couple nights ago, I was feeding the kiddo, making Boyfriend Dinner, needing to pee (as always, because I’m knocked up again) as well as eat (because I’m knocked up again), trying to clean up a few messes in the kitchen, get the dishwasher loaded and keeping the food from burning (I’m not the greatest cook, but I hate burning food) when my boyfriend comes in the door an hour later than usual and starts eating my getting-cold dinner for me. When I told him that was MY dinner, he said “I’m hungry!”. Man, was I pissed.
It took me about an hour for me to tell him I was mad about that.
He’s been wonderful since then – actually paying attention to when I need help with kiddo and just getting (household) things done. He also bought me the new season of Monk. 🙂 Now, I just need to find the time to watch it, amidst the kid-watching, full-time work, studying, commuting and housework. (oy)
…but if I hadn’t said anything, and just fumed it away (my usual bad habit), I’d probably still be mad at him, and he’d have absolutely no idea.
Well-timed post. 🙂
Well-written too.
Here’s to better communication! Yay! -m
Wow Mush!
This was really at the heart of my marital probs. I would go into details here but it occurs to me that it would just be me triangulating about my husband. Between this post along and my really intense analysis yesterday I don’t think I’m gonna get off the couch today. I really want to spend a weekend with you laying around discussing how the universe works sipping cocktails and painting each others toenails. Can that be arranged?????
Stay on the couch! I’ll be right there! (I WISH. As soon as I can afford it, though, yeah, I’ll TOTALLY MOTHERFUCKIN’ COME SEE YOU in the city. For a week. Can you have a guest? Aren’t you, like, homeless and shit?) -m
“…too busy being hurt.” Now that sounds familiar.
You people all come from the Land of the Passive Aggressive. When you have a beef with someone, and refuse to tell them about it, that is BULLSHIT. You’re essentially dooming that individual to having to read your mind in order to know what’s wrong. That, in a word, SUCKS.
Sorry, but I failed mindreading in highschool.
“Subtexts” are a really shitty way to treat the people you purport to love. It means you don’t say what you mean, and everyone around is left to do some interpretive dance to figure what the hell it is that has pissed you off THIS time…
If you can’t be adult enough to state your needs clearly (including when you’ve been hurt), then you deserve to fucking suffer in silence.
If those around you can’t be adult enough to not lose their mind when they’re called on their bullshit, then you need to surround yourself with better people.
I agree.
ALL SUFFERING IS SELF INFLICTED.
Exactly. -m
I’m a huge fan of a simple communication exercise known as mirroring.
have you ever tried to mirror a black hole?
Food for thought. The unfortunate thing is the world isn’t perfect, and the people who populate it, far less so. This isn’t *bad* per se… it’s just human nature. Personally, I believe in being upfront when someone does/says something to upset me. No problem here with speaking my mind. But there are those (and close friends, some) who are repeat offenders. No, they don’t listen. Yes, I tell them why I am upset. It’s a broken record that gets pretty damn old, pretty damn fast. And it’s those people to whom I no longer communicate my frustration. And yes, part of me suffers because of it, but tell me: what’s the fucking point of trying?
I dunno. Maybe those rare times when it works? I hear you, though. -m
“have you ever tried to mirror a black hole?”
LOL. No. I had the good fortune of being in a relationship with someone who actually WANTED to repair the severe communication problems we were having using a good MSW therapist. I assume you’re alluding to a less fortunate situation. My sincerest condolences.
Of course then she turned out to be a complete fucking psycho. But damn we were communicating well. She basically said “Hey, I’m a complete fucking psycho” and I said “Ok, then get the hell out of here” and she did. I should have tipped that shrink.
I love you all.
so so true.
“I can’t hear you because I’m too suck in my own hurt”. Always something to work on. Hey, we are having a party on Sept 8. You gonna be near here or what?
I got the evite! Thank you! But no. I’ll be in Walla Walla, WA on September 15th but nowhere near the Bay Area on the 8th! *sniff* -m
“The only thing more self-absorbed than blogs and MySpace is suicide and masturbation….” or so I thought until recently.
Now I find myself looking in, peering voyeur-like over the back fence, procuring intellectual nurishment in a vicarious way from the trappings of GoblinBox. It’s like standing in front of the fridge at 2am, the door ajar and the small bulb in the back barely illuminating the kitchen… standing, half nakkid and somewhat disoriented, staring into the crisper drawer, wishing the cherries weren’t spoiled, but unable to avert my eyes or my attention from the bowl of less-than-fresh fruit. Oh, my dear droogs, it is still the ultimate in self-absorption to think anyone would care about what I or any other anonymous contributor to this mysterious community would think, feel or opine about…and yet, I do. Odd, isn’t it? Odd and stimulating and somewhat comforting.
All of the pontificating aside, I must say that sometimes people need to just “vent.” They don’t need to “communicate” their feelings or “mirror” or do anything else that a text book, a shrink or Dr. Phil says they should to to “build a healthy relationship.” Sometimes, just “airing it out” solves the problem, because the problem isn’t as severe as we think it is…and by listening to ourselves and listening to others tell us what they think about what we are venting about…sometimes we realize it wasn’t nearly as big a deal as we thought.
And, sometimes, we need to vent in order to get a handle on how we are going to “communicate” and “mirror” and “build a healthy relationship” with the person who has done us wrong. Blurting out thoughts and feelings and emotions is what my 3 year old did when he would say “you NEVER take me to McDonalds…” as we were leaving McDonalds and he wanted to go back. He was feeling loss, but it didn’t come oout that way. Talking to other people is important…why do I spend so freakin’ much money on a shrink????
I know that, for me, I learn from making mistakes. I communicate better now than I did a year ago, 5 years ago, 20 years ago. I didn’t just pop out of the womb able to communicate effectively. It has taken years of totally fucking up my life and the lives of those around me to get to the point where I feel comfortable enough to just say what I need to say, and -more importantly- learn when not to say anything at all.
I do so enjoy peering into your mind, Mush. Thanks for pretending to be Ray Liotta and alowing us to be Anthony Hopkins at the end of the terrible Silence of The Lambs sequel…
What’s wrong with self-absorbed masturbation? You say it like it’s a bad thing. …I’m all for venting. I’m totally pro venting! I’m not pro indirect passive-aggression. …People who stare owlishly into the fridge at night while half-naked are oddly endearing. …I fucking hated that movie and hope you never bring it up again because it makes my tummy hurt. For real. That scene damaged me forever. *shudder* -m
Great Post!!!
Aw, thanks. -m
nice post! lovely read.
I hear you were over the other night but I was in my room, huh? I’m sorry I missed you! *smooch* -m
This really is one of the best posts you’ve written…and that I’ve read, in a very long time. I tend to have a similar discussion with my mother, who is to passive-aggressive behaviour what Genghis Khan was to the Mongol Horde. “If you don’t tell me what you’re upset about, how in the world am I supposed to try and make things all right?”
I’m starting to suspect there’s an introvert/extrovert aspect at play here, too, which is probably totally unsolvable. Gah. -m