In which it’s not you, it’s me. I mean, it has to be, because the one constant in all my relationships has been — well — me.

I’ve been observing the relationships around me closely since I left my husband. I’ve been wondering what makes some relationships work, and others fail. I’ve been comparing my experience with what I see around me.

And I’ve been wondering if I’m deeply flawed, or too judgmental, or too distant, or if my expectations are wholly and utterly unreasonable.

You see, I’ve been accused of being chilly, dispassionate, distant, or standoffish more times than I can count; every relationship I’ve ever been in has failed; and I find that being around couples lately can drive me bat shit.

It all drives a girl to introspection.

I’ve had difficulty getting my needs communicated because I tend to state them calmly instead of pitching a fit. At one point I believed that men, for all their love of logic and rationality, couldn’t actually hear a woman unless she was being a demanding, bitchy freak — like they were hardwired to think everything expressed under 90 decibels is meaningless drivel, and that only ultimatums delivered at top volume need to be heeded.

I don’t enjoy being a demanding, bitchy freak. I don’t like freaking out at all. If I’m so uncomfortable that I’m actually freaking out on you in an effort to communicate, things are Not Going Well for me… yet I’ve observed others who can have knock-down-drag-out fights on a monthly basis and count themselves content. It baffles me. Am I unemotional? Am I chilly? Is all that bitching, fighting, making up, and then doing it all over again normal?

My mom told me once that she found her parents to be emotionally closed-off. I spent a year living with them and decided that I did not agree, but I’ve wondered since then if I’m closed-off, because I don’t understand the following things:

1. I don’t understand histrionics in relationships.

I’m down with a good cry. I understand the act of freaking the fuck out while under stress. I grok depression, rage, fear, and pain. I even see the purpose of a good fight… occasionally.

But if the relationship gauge goes all the way to eleven on a regular basis, I count it as a failure. I really do believe that you should be able to observe your partner, understand his needs, and meet them, and that he should be able to do the same right back — sans the hysterics. You can and should discuss shortcomings and adjust accordingly if the relationship is valued. Once in a great while there can — and will — be a huge blow-out, because shit happens, but normal life doesn’t have to be a goddamned freakfest. I find that I’m uncomfortable with that much friction; it seems to me that if you have to make that much noise to be heard you’re with the wrong person.

It also makes me wonder if perhaps I’m not passionate enough. Maybe it’s normal to make that much noise? I just don’t understand why I should have to scream and cry; shouldn’t my lover generally know what I need by observing me and listening to what I ask for?

It seems to me that if two people gotta fight to get their basic needs met, they don’t really love each other.

2. I do not understand why people treat their partners worse than they treat total strangers.

I know a couple who constantly needles each other. They’ll be cuddling, and at the same time shooting verbal darts at one another. (When I was doing that to Bread, it was because I was miserable and unhappy and I wanted to hurt him. Therefore, I see that sort of behavior as a harbinger.)

I know couples who are always testing each other, demanding little favors as proof of love: get me this, make me dinner, wait on me hand and foot even when I’m being a dick… because if you don’t, I’ll be an even BIGGER dick.

I don’t understand how someone I’m with can believe that he can ignore my needs or hurt my feelings, and that I have to suck it up just because we’re partnered. What kind of logic is that? Why would I accept treatment from my lover that I wouldn’t accept from anyone else? I know they say ‘you only hurt the ones you love,’ but what the fuck happened to introspection and self-discipline? What the fuck happened to ‘if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all’?

When I’m raging pissed off, I tend to retreat (before irreparable damage is done), think it through, mellow out, and THEN return to have a rational conversation. Just because you love me doesn’t mean I don’t owe you respect and courtesy, even when I’m angry! I know I’ve got a mouth on me, and I don’t want to say things I don’t mean. And we all know that some things, once said, cannot be unsaid — and I prefer not to take that risk with a relationship I cherish… yet Bread said horrible things to me when he was angry, and I know other people who say awful things when they’re mad. Are my expectations artificially high? Is my tolerance weirdly low?

I think we owe our lovers the best of ourselves, not the worst. Loving someone does not mean using them. Am I the only person who thinks this way?

3. I don’t understand the notion that couplehood means total, utter, complete loss of self.

Why can’t a person in a relationship expect any privacy or autonomy? I am totally unphased by sharing the bathroom with someone, but I don’t understand why I can’t spend a few hours alone by myself in a room without being barged in upon.

Why do people believe that their partner owes them attention and time and nurturing on demand? What makes a grown person feel that he can ignore me all day, and then burst in on me when I’m reading or writing or napping and expect that I give him the type of attention he desires RIGHT NOW? What makes a grown person feel that she can schedule her partner’s entire day off to suit her own needs while totally ignoring his? What makes grown people feel free to go through their partner’s things, or call them every 30 minutes to find out where they are and what they’re doing?

How is any of this healthy, cherishing, or acceptable?

When I want attention I’ll ask for it, but if my partner makes it clear that he’s not feeling like giving it right now I’ll sigh theatrically and go amuse myself elsewhere. I never believed that just because you’re sleeping with me I own you. Sure, I expect you to love me and be faithful, but I also understand that sometimes people are tired or lazy. I’m an adult; I can wait if you need some down-time. I’d rather have your attention when given freely anyway.

And if I had a lover who went through my shit or called me incessantly, I’d bail. I shouldn’t have to say, “It’s none of your business.” Everyone needs a wee bit of privacy.

What all of this boils down to is that I seem to have a vision of relationship that I don’t find in nature. I do expect to fight, but only rarely. I expect you to be polite to me, as much as loving and affectionate. I expect you not to take your shit out on me. I expect you to treat me as well as you’d treat anyone else. Actually, belay that: I expect you to treat me BETTER than you’d treat everyone else.

I expect you to respect me and assume the best of me. I expect you to pick up the slack without being told to. I expect you to behave like an adult person, not an entitled teenager. I expect you to behave. I expect you to allow me some boundaries; if I’m in a room with the door shut, do me the fucking courtesy of knocking. Same with my body: if you want access to it, ask. I may be your lover, but I’m not your property.

If you’re unhappy or not getting your needs met, I expect you to sit down with me and communicate the issue so that I can understand and adjust accordingly. I do NOT expect you to bitch and whine and jab at me in a never-ending passive/aggressive freakfest.

If you’re angry, I expect you to NOT go for the jugular… unless you’re deliberately ending the relationship. If you’ve had a bad day, by all means please vent and bitch, but not AT me: it’s not my fault, whatever it is, and I’m not your pincushion.

I know people who talk over their partners all the time. I know people who insult their partners in public. I know people who whine at their partners. I know people who throw fits when they don’t get their way when they want it.

Why do people in relationships steal from each other, insult one another, and act like fucking children? Why are they mean to one another? Where did we get the idea that to be loved is to have received permission to be ugly? Where the hell did we learn that this is what love looks like?

And more importantly, where did I get my idea that relationships should be kind, rational, equitable, and fair? Who the hell am I, Spock?

Update: It just occurred to me that when I was bitching and whining and jabbing at my ex in a never-ending passive/aggressive freakfest, it was because I wasn’t getting my needs met through any other methods. This shit must all stem from lack of communication, but even that baffles me. I can’t count the number of times I walked up to my partner and explained exactly what I needed! I know what I need, and I also know how to self-regulate: I am very, very careful about the demands I put on other people. I know the difference between reasonable expectations and being a fucking princess. How hard is it to communicate? Not very. The hard part, it seems, is listening… and giving enough of a shit to be willing to actually make changes to accommodate someone else’s needs and desires.

Eh. The enemy, as always, is selfishness.