In which it actually sucks more now than it did before.
I left because I couldn’t give him what he wanted and I couldn’t stomach another goddamned fight. A couple days later he realized I was serious, and started asking me, “So this is it? You’re done? You’re not going to try anymore, you’re just going to walk away? You’re just going to give up?”
Never mind that I tried my heart out for six years, never mind that I don’t have any tries left. Never mind that I’m sorry. Never mind his own culpability in this thing, because as far as he’s concerned I’m the one who’s leaving, I’m giving up, I’m the one who killed it. So the worst part is not that I’m poor, homeless, and heartbroken. The worst part is not that I failed as a wife, nor that I made all the mistakes I did.
The worst part is that he’s in pain and I never wanted him to be. The truth is that he doesn’t really want me, not really, what he wants is who I tried and failed to be. But his heart doesn’t know that yet, and so he’s in pain and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
He gave me a week to get my things and my dogs off the farm, and he wants a divorce right away. He’s so angry he doesn’t seem to want to cut me any slack for the fact that I spent my last $20 buying dog food and the last of my gas driving it out there for him, or that I’m not one of those stupid bitches who wants to take half his shit, or who fucked his best friend in his own bed, or who is petty and vindictive because she feels she’s got a right to be for past harms. The fact that I have no money (with which to rent a house to put my stuff and dogs into) moves him not at all, because right now I’m nothing more than the bitch who broke his heart and left him.
I understand, I do, but it sucks.
Update: We just spoke on the phone and he said, “I read your blog, and I’m not trying to be a dick,” and I said, “I know.” Because I do know. It’s just a rotten damned situation.
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oh, mush. 🙁
my lil sister went through a breakup like this last summer – they’d been together 7 years when she finally figured out that they wanted different things in life and moved out on her own; within four hours he had the locks changed on the doors, her cell phone cancelled and most all her stuff out on the driveway. 🙁
Took a month or so, but they did eventually start talking again. [And she got the rest of her stuff from his house.]
It’s a hard thing, to be honest with yourself when it hurts those you care about. 🙁
Shit fuck damn piss, Mush. I feel frikkin’ awful for you both. And I wish there was something I could say about what a fucked up mess life can be. I won’t risk any platitudes… but know that if you ever find yourself in IC, I’d be more than happy to help any way I can. Big hugs to you. I’m so sorry.
I don’t want to add fuel to any fire but you know that you have a right to half of your and his accumulated shit. Don’t be walking away with nothing…don’t be leaving 1/2 the value of the house you guys bought and paid for together.
Hugs.
I’m sorry you’re both hurting.
🙁 i’m sorry there’s not more i can do or say.
Oh Mush! I am so sorry!
If there is anything I can do, email me .
And maybe you do need to think about selling the place. It is half yours and when you divorce, it will need to be sold and proceeds divided.
Divorces often make a bad situation worse. I know you are in a place right now that you are just trying to process it all, so is he, and the hurt is very new.
It’s YOUR home too, you don’t HAVE to remove your stuff within anytime frame, unless it’s been sold, in which case it’s a moot point
I’m so sorry that this had to happen, and I hope that things start getting better for you now…
Mush- I hope he reads the comments.
Getting angry and jumping on the divorce immediately is foolish. It takes time and energy, which I suspect are scarce commodities at the moment.
I feel for you, and I believe you are doing the right thing. From the first time I read your blog, I felt that the break-up was inevidable.
Gregg