In which I can’t figure out what I want, a condition that’s becoming more and more familiar to me lately.
It’s Saturday and I’m at work. I clocked out at 12:15, went and ate lunch, came back to the office… and never clocked back in. I’ve been playing with templates, trying to make my site look like something I wanna look at.
I’m not getting far. This may be one of those instances in which I need to decide what I want and then go find it, rather than just flailing around hoping I’ll stumble across something that’ll fit.
Guess what: this theme — knowing what I want — applies to more than just the layout of my web site, apparently.
Bread came home last night after living out of town for a couple months. He kept me up until three in the morning because he wanted to talk. It was surprizing. The content was the same it’s always been, of course, but somehow we managed to connect this time and it was really emotional for both of us.
As you may or may not know, things have been pretty bad between us for the past couple of years, and downright shitty for the past ten months or so. We’ve had some really stellar fights this year, the kind that made me shut all the way down and stay that way. In spite of our problems I really do love that human being, but I just don’t know if it’s gonna work… mainly because it never has worked thus far.
But he’s asked me to try again, one more time. Swears that this time’s the charm. And who knows, maybe if we put our heads together we could manage to build some common ground… But in order for either of us to get anywhere from here I have to agree to dig deep enough to make yet another effort, I have to bootstrap myself one more goddamned time, I have to want it and choose it and do something about it.
It’s like finding the right look for the site: apparently I can’t just wait until I see it. I have to decide what it is, and then build it. Christ, it’s turning into a fucking call to action when all I want to do is hold so still that no one will notice me.
I’m so fucking tired.
I’m also the only person in this section of the office and it’s dark because the lights are off and to make things even worse I’m listening to Magnet (aural Valium) and I’m so mellow the coffee isn’t even making a dent in it. I should probably just get in my car and drive home and take a nap.
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I hate that feeling.
Sounds like Bread may be learning something.
Could be. -m
Remember what you told me the universe was teaching you? Just a half-assed observation by a reader, but it seems you were working hard on the financial front, and standing back and hoping for the best on the romantic front. Perhaps now you’re supposed to hope for the best on the financial front and make the romance your FT job. Or perhaps I’m full of shit. đŸ™‚
Full of shit? I know *I* am. đŸ˜‰ -m
You, girl, are a girl of great renown. Your heart is large and your talent is great. You are a force, girl, a force to be reckoned with.
Do not deny yourself. Don’t deny him either, if he’s the one. Work it if the work is worth it.
(wow, that was so AA)
I love AA. For real. I’m thinking about becoming an addict so that I can go. đŸ˜‰ -m
I’m still thinking about walls and where the doors are located. It seems like Bread might help build the door.
And maybe provide the key to the lock, as well.
He is a builder, after all. -m
Well, I’ll be damned.
I’m researching a little bit about class reunions since my 20th will be next year…and what do my wanderings in cyber-space reveal? A long-lost, once dear friend.
I’ve only read your 100-things and two posting because I feel like a voyeur spying on your life without permission. Of course posting your life on goblinbox may mean you are not opposed to being intimately found by old acquaintances; however, I wouldn’t want to risk making an assumption.
You seem just as fascinating as ever…and the techno-interest while unexpected actually seems a good fit – since music and technology are closely related, most people don’t know that but you probably do.
Email sometime if you want to catch up. maijam at tmgnorthwest dot com
Take good care,
Maija Mercer (formerly Dickson)
OMFG, Maija-girl! I’ve emailed you. How’ve you been for the last twenty years??!? -m
Well I think that is a revelation in and of itself. You are good at building things, Mush. I know you can do it. I hate the pressure you are going through in your life. Sounds like UP is the next move now.
hiya Mush, here is the opposite of a cautionary tale for you.
My Loopy and I were in this place last October–the same, “it’s not working, and it never really worked like we wanted it to. we love each other but if it doesn’t work better than this we are going to have to give up.”
We decided to give it one more shot and went to couples’ therapy. (This was our third or fourth time in couples’ therapy). This time we actually had a fantastic therapist and it actually worked (turns out most therapists might as well be phone psychics). Our relationship is now what we thought it could be, but it never quite was. Seriously.
It took a lot of work, changing habits, changing our definition & ideas about love, and a couple months of doing things “right” on faith, even though we were still angry at each other and felt like we were falling apart.
But now it is really, really good. All the stuff I was settling for, cuz I thought that the marriage of my dreams didn’t really exist in reality–I don’t have to settle for anymore, and I’m in the marriage of my dreams. I feel totally completely loved and adored and satisfied and fulfilled, and so does she. (And we’re fucking constantly, just about every day and extra on weekends, it’s so totally awesome!) It has been perceptibly better since, uh, spring, and it has been this good (with all the fucking and understanding and all that shit) since June.
We also recommended our therapist to two of our friends who were about to split up and now they’re doing much better too.
So, you know, it is possible. You might need outside help, because many times, the problem isn’t what you think it is–it’s some underlying assumption or habit that you might not even know you have, because you just assume that’s the only way. If therapy is out of the question at the moment (tho some therps do have sliding scales) maybe a book or something?
Email me and I’ll give you my therp’s contact info; you could come up here to see him and then do phone sessions or something. Seriously, the man is magic. And/or I could recommend a book.
Hang in there girlie. You can make this work. If you love Bread and it’s worth it to you, and he’s not some kind of unrepentant abuser or addict (which isn’t my impression but I felt like I needed a disclaimer there), then you can make it work.
I’m cheering for you over here…
I have less ot say about boring classes. Maybe you could come up with some kind of spiritual practice to transform them?
OK, maybe not.
xoxo
me
can you delete my above comment; i can’t figure out how.
No. I love it and I’m keeping it. So there. I mean, it’s uplifting. -m