In which unemployment is beginning to take its toll.

I stayed up well past two, watching Torchwood on Netflix. (I still love you, Ianto!) Then I slept for about twelve hours.

Not straight through, though. I actually woke up at ten and thought about getting up, but I didn’t. I just laid there until I went back to sleep. About three times.

Why? Because I don’t really have anything to do. A girl can only consume so much media, and it hardly seems imperative to get up and watch TV shows or read a book or study when there’s simply no deadline for anything.

There are things I can do, of course. I could get crackin’ on the Clean The Junk Out Of The Attic project (I bagged up an assload of old clothes but have as yet not figured out where to take them, and there’s always the old computer equipment to dispose of) or do laundry or study for my CCNA or meditate or work out or get drunk.

But I don’t have to, so I don’t.

This morning (where ‘morning’ equals late afternoon) I rolled out of bed onto the floor, did some gentle stretching yoga, and listened to some Eastern house (DJ Cheb i Sabbah‘s Krishna Lila, actually) for awhile. Then I went downstairs and had a cardamom latte while I made a batch of black olive hummus. A bit later, my brother came over and he and I nommed some Falafel Madness together while chatting with G’ma.

Now it’s dark again already and I’ve barely finished my coffee. I’d like to do something other than sit around in my (very comfortable, tricked out, OMG I pretty much never have to leave this room) bedroom, but I’m unemployed and feel guilty about spending money on things like cocktails or meals out even though I’m getting unemployment benefits and it’s not like I don’t have any money.

~+~+~
I had an interview on Thursday afternoon. It lasted nearly an hour, the people (cute HR girl and cute geek guy) were great, and I feel perfectly qualified for the position in a rural power co-op’s small Internet division.

The position is a typical ISP mix of support, dispatch, billing, sales, and on-call time. Their delivery modality is wireless, which I don’t know a bunch about but I can certainly learn it. I’d have to climb the occasional ladder and be on the occasional roof, but dispatch time would only be about 20% of the job. The fun stuff like email and web hosting is outsourced, which is a little sad, and I’d have to lose the frivolous manicure in order to make cable and haul equipment, but I’d have actual responsibility and I’d get to learn a whole new technology and its equipment and I think it would be a nearly ideal fit for my experience.

Which doesn’t explain why I’m so utterly freaked about it.

I am, in equal parts, afraid they’ll offer me the job, and afraid they won’t.

I’ve gotten lazy and soft. My last few thousand hours of employment have required me to do little more than show up (and when I was very lucky I got to think real hard for a few minutes). I’ve gotten used to sitting on my ass at a desk. I haven’t been on call or done an actual customer premise dispatch in years. I haven’t put a plug end on a CAT-5 cable for a long time. I mean, although it’s been awhile I’ve done all this stuff and I’m a perfect match for their job description.

I just don’t know if I want it, and that just makes me question the whole inside of my silly head. Why wouldn’t I want a perfect job?

If they don’t offer me the job, I’ll freak that it’s because I’m a girl who showed up for a job she knew entailed actual non-desk work with a crazy manicure (my nails are currently gold with red airbrushed designs on them) or because I’m too old (!!!) to be climbing ladders in rural areas or because I unwittingly fucked up in the interview or because I’m actually not as hireable as I believe I am.

I know the Universe prefers that I decide what I want, but I honestly can’t figure out if I want this job or not. It’s here in Walla Walla (not in Dayton, where the rest of the company is), it’s a small department (which keeps politics to a minimum), I wouldn’t have to do first tier tech support (they outsource that), and I’d get to learn a whole new delivery technology! It’s true I’m not stoked about the sales and billing aspects, but every ISP job I’ve ever had – ten years’ worth – entailed a little of both, it’s just the nature of the beast and it’s hardly onerous. Of course I have some nervousness about having to drive around an area I don’t know, but it’s not like it’s hard to drive somewhere. It’s not like I don’t have GPS on my fucking phone, either, and while I don’t love driving it’s hardly a deal breaker.

I must be being lazy, which tells me I need to get my ass kicked a little, which tells me this job would probably be great for me because I don’t even have it yet and it’s challenging me already. I can’t remember the last time I had a really good brain stretch at work! And autonomy! Responsibility! Root on actual deployed, mission-critical boxen!

I think this is where my weirdness lies: I think I’m having a location crisis. If they offer me the job, I’ll need to commit to a life in Walla Walla. If they don’t, I’ll have to move because I have already applied for literally every single job I’m qualified for around here, and I’ll have to do it doubting my hireability because when you don’t get hired for a job you’re perfectly suited for, you freak out. You just do.

I’ve been weird about living in Walla Walla for awhile now (I intended it to be a temporary move when I came here), but here’s the kicker: I didn’t immediately gear up to leave when I became unemployed. I had daydreams about moving away, but I don’t actually want to live anywhere but right here or New York City. And moving to New York is a non-trivial undertaking: I’d need a bunch of money and a place to land, and what about my dog? I could move to Portland or Seattle, or a few places in California where I have relatives, or even Colorado where there appears to be a lot of tech work, but I don’t really like any of those places. (Not like I like New York.) And I’m actually starting to have a life here, and friends, and the band’s already got some festivals booked for next summer, and c’mon – my rent and utilities are $150 a month. Which, in my tax bracket, is the only reason I get to take such awesome vacations every year.

I think I was expecting that there’d be no work here; that Walla Walla was going to kick me out like it did the last time; that the decision was going to be made for me. I think I thought I was going to lie around collecting unemployment for a few months and then have go somewhere else. The big push! Sort through your shit, make plans, scramble, freak out! Change! Stress! Excitement! And look, I have to do this, I’m reacting – not acting! Nothing’s my fault if it doesn’t turn out! Whee!

But, while I am a total weirdo, at least I’m not dishonest about it: I haven’t taken a single step toward moving away. The only remote job I applied for was in Seattle, and I was terrifically overqualified for it. I was waiting to have to move away. Which must be a case of the grass is always greener, right?

The existence of a job I didn’t expect has broken my brain. Tell me what I dork I am, please, mmm’kay?