In which one is what one does.
I went to the grocery store and tried to cash my check; they refused to do it because it’s handwritten and drawn on an Oregon bank. Not having a checking account makes me feel like a goddamned second-class citizen.
I spent my last $2 at Taco Bell, then went to the car wash and used their trash bins to empty a bunch of garbage out of the jeep. I found the receipt for the battery core I’ve been hauling around since last November and went to the parts store to turn it in. They gave me $8.52 for it.
I bought $4 worth of gas and drove out to the farm. I have just enough money left for a pack of cigarettes.
Bread wasn’t home. I was half relieved and half heartbroken. I took my mail, some clothes, a thermos and a box of tea out of the kitchen. I got shoes and jackets and scarves and hats so I won’t freeze. I got my knitting and my guitar so I can have hobbies. I got the rest of my ID out of the desk in case I should need it. It was weird and made me equal parts sad and angry: sad because my marriage is over and I’m moving out and that sucks rocks, and mad because everything I took out of there is filthy and dusty and corroded or covered in spider webs and pet hair.
So here I am, with a check in my purse that’s useless (plus I owe cash to two of my friends, who spotted me a little here and there lately and who need their money back) and a jeep full of clothes and other junk packed mostly into garbage bags. I’m a fucking bag lady, only I have a car instead of a shopping cart.
I’ve marginalized myself. I can’t cash checks or do normal business transactions because a creditor fucked up my checking account and I *hate* that. And a significant portion of the few material things I still own are sitting in my car. And I had to turn in a battery core just to get enough gas money to drive to Batavia. If I am what I do, I’m a loser.
On the other hand, if I am what I eat then I’m a half pound bean burrito especiale. Yum!
AmmZon’s making chicken and cheesy broccoli rice and green beans for dinner. I don’t eat chicken, of course — and you shouldn’t either because chicken’s WAY TOO STUPID to eat — but cheesy broccoli rice sounds totally awesome. If I ever get my check cashed I’ll be able to pay her for groceries.
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I hope the new job helps you get your financial feet back on the ground. I really think that things are looking up for you.
So, how is the stupidity of a chicken a reason not to eat it? Is this that whole “you are what you eat” theory or something else?
Just checkin’ in….
Sweetie, you are neither what you eat nor what you do. You’re just you. A lot of stuff going on on right now feels damn shitty (as described above), but those are “just” feelings–feelings are real, but they are not a reflection of reality–they are not some kind of profound revelation about your true worth as a human being.
When you’re going through this kind of stuff it’s hard to remember this, so I’ll say it even at risk of being too obvious: your worth as a human being is a constant that is unaffected by things like your credit rating, how many marriages you have been through, or what fraction of your belongings are in garbage bags in your car.
You’ll feel better if you start taking some steps on the debt. Something like that sits in the back of your mind like a lead weight dragging everything down (and I know you know I know that from experience!).
Here, I did some research and it looks like this is a good number to call to get started: 1-800-388-2227. Here’s the website: http://www.nfcc.org/. The NFCC is some kind of national org that oversees accreditation and licensing of credit counseling agencies. Should protect you from scams.
You can do it. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and all that good stuff.
xoxo
birdfarm
P.S. I would think that stupid animals are the best ones to eat. I don’t like to eat animals that are intelligent… octopus for example. It’s too sad. My better half started us on this; she calls herself a “dumbitarian.”
Yay, knitting! Cheap, fun, HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT. It’s second only to masturbating.
Also, if I’m what I eat, I’m dangerously high in carbs. We’re the eatin’est bunch of people where I come from, I tell ya, especially when it comes to chicken (with honey and cheddar cheese on it, mmmm!).
And — AND — I’m glad to see that you’re regaining your footing. It’ll take some time and can’t happen right off the bat, but you’re headed in the right direction. You go, ya half-pound bean burrito especiale! I’m here with my skimpy skirt and pom poms to cheer ya on.
How smart is a broccoli? It just stands there in the ground until someone comes along and picks it. It doesn’t even run or try to hide behind lettuce. How stupid is that?
At least you have your jeep. My ex stole my car after we broke up. It was in our companies name but I paid for it. He knew I loved it,(a ’91 corvette that I was looking for for two years). He really didn’t want the car but thought that that would get my attention. It didn’t. Nothing material is worth your sanity and well being.
We all go thru shit, but you have a job now and everything will eventually work itself out.
Focus, that’s the key. You go girl!