In which we check in with my weekend… and my marriage.
The weather was gorgeous Saturday. Bread and I went to town and visited the bank to cash his check (he’s working again!) and then we went grocery shopping. We intended to buy food for the weekend.
We spent two hundred dollars.
But OMG were the bloody marys good! Boo-yah! (Absolut Peppar? Jalapeno stuffed olives? Pickled asparagus? TOBASCO DILL PICKLES? So good. I had three.) Bo came out to let his dogs run around; he brought stuff for Jager bombs. We BBQed: marinated tuna steaks, corn on the cob, portabello mushrooms. Garlic bread. I even baked a German chocolate cake.
Naturally I had to nap all afternoon, after so much indulgence. Bread woke me up just before dusk and ravished me, then I got up and he fell asleep. Then the sun went down and the temp dropped like a stone.
I talked on the phone with my bro for an hour or so.
I texted my girlfriends to see if anything was happening. One was out of town, one was home for the evening, another was eating Oreos. So I read for awhile and went back to bed. Talk about a nightlife.
Didn’t do shit on Sunday ‘cept go to band practice. BvB was out sick, so it was just me and the guys. We played for a few hours, broke for dinner, and then spent the rest of the evening watching the telly in PjK’s very comfy living room. We probably won’t practice again until April since half the band will be travelling or working… basically, the rest of March is shot for rock ‘n’ roll.
Yesterday I stayed home and cleaned the house because I couldn’t stand it a second longer. I did six loads of laundry, vacuumed, dusted, tidied (Bread leaves shit laying around all over the place), washed five days’ worth of dishes, made a big ol’ pot of lentil stew, watched a movie about the Funk Brothers, brought a load of kindling down from the barn, and in general slaved my ass off doing menial crap.
The house looks much better. And I was able to dress in all clean clothes this morning!
~+~+~
In other news, we had something of a state of the union talk Friday night. It was brief, but the jist of it was that he wants to know what the fuck I think I want. Since I don’t actually know what the fuck I want, I’m supposed to be thinking about it.
So I am.
I’ve been in a marital funk since last September. I was hoping it was a phase I’d pass out of, but it’s been six months and hasn’t eased. I still don’t know if I want to keep playing house or not, and I seem to have developed an aversion to couplehood. While I love my man it seems I don’t want to constantly be taking another human being’s needs and desires into consideration. I don’t want to share, and I don’t want to be half of something but would rather be a complete something unto myself. I want my own space, my own schedule, my own diet, my own finances, my own autonomy. I’m tired of compromising all the time, of giving and adjusting and reconfiguring myself into shapes I don’t want to be in. He says I’m standoffish and distant. Mostly I just want to be left the hell alone.
I know all you single people think I’m a complete idiot, and I acknowledge that it’s certainly possible. It’s not like I don’t understand the perks of a long-term relationship: cuddling. Laughing. Self-inquiry. Someone who lets me put my cold feet on him! Not having to make the lattes. Companionship. A shared history. Love. Division of labor (well, sort of). All those sweet things are what make me hope I’m just having a rough spot rather than an actual realization.
I can’t help but wonder if I’m like the dogs, always wanting to be on the other side of the door: Let us out! Let us in! Let us out! No, let us in! I spent the majority of my life desperately wanting to find someone, to fall and love and get married, to make a life just like the one I’ve found. But now that I’ve got it? I have fantasies about being alone. Independent. Autonomous. I want to be selfish, I guess. I’m tired of being a mature grownup who gives and compromises.
Ah, it’s not even about compromising, precisely. It comes down to not having anything in common. While we get along well, we love each other, and we’re easy together, we just never have anything to talk about once we exhast the “how was your day” topic. We’re not interested in the same stuff, never have been. He’s not going to grok anything I say about {Internet, musicianship, geekhood, sci-fi, Hinduism, etc.} and I’m not going to grok anything he says about {construction, guns, cars, trucks, bikes, etc.}. We used to fake it, but we’ve been together long enough now that neither of us really tries any more: he starts talking and I glaze over, and vice versa. I go do things he’s interested in but I’m aloof because I really don’t care about {demo derbies/blues concerts/swap meets/gun shows/tool expos}. He tries things I’m interested in once and makes an effort to be polite, but is never willing to do them again because he really doesn’t care about {jazz concerts/book stores/seeing Amma/vegetarian restaurants}. There’s no malice, it’s just that different things make us tick. We want to live differently, eat differently, have different priorities. Just how it is.
While I don’t seem to want what I’ve got, I know it’s good and I don’t want to let go of it. I’m in emotional stasis, and it’s really not fair to him at all. I’m a fantastic roommate, but not much of a wife these days and I bet he’s totally sick of my shit.
It doesn’t escape me that I might just be an idiot, that if I close that door I’ll just want to be on the other side again immediately. Wouldn’t that just serve me right.
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the bloody marys sound bloody fuckin’ awesome. i want one now.
wish i had some good marital advice for you … maybe you guys should do counseling of some sort? or you should just move to DC and live at my place and keep my kitty company when i’m at john’s!
*smoochity smoochity smooch smooch*
I’m on my way. Pour me a Manhattan! -m
what’s wrong with what you’ve been doing the last few months? you seem really happy doing your own thing, with brett doing his own thing. what is a marriage if not two roommates that’ve been together for.ev.er?
go ahead and split your finances – it’ll be one less thing to argue about if you can let each other manage their finances the way they want.
take two vehicles when you go out for an evening, so you can stay and partay – he can head home when he gets tired.
take separate vacations – he can go to gun shows and swap meets next time you go see Amma.
What’s wrong — I think — is that it ceases to be a marriage. We do most of those things, and it leaves him feeling lonely and me feeling selfish. -m
(hehe – you fixed my spelling; thanks!) 8)
Hey, I’m single and I fantasize about being alone–totally get you! Don’t know how you married’s do it. So glad I am reading the blog of a married who isn’t smug. Smug married’s suck.
BTW, sounds like you are an amazing wife. I mean you made german chocolate cake and those yummy cocktails? Maybe I’ll have to marry you….
Hey, now that just might work. You don’t leave the seat up, do you? đŸ˜‰ Plus you’re in my favorite city! -m
Justin and I don’t have a lot in common. I’m very much a type A personality and he is type B. Instead of thinking of the large gulf between our interests as something negative, I look at it as something that enriches my life. I mean I would have NEVER gone to a musical if I had not met Justin, I wouldn’t watch all of these crazy damned movies that he watches. I mean I could go on and on, but you get the picture.
I’ll bet you’ve even learned a thing or two about power tools and the like. Maybe you’ve even learned some DIY techniques for your home. I’ll bet at least once you wound up having a good time at a demolition derby. (Whether it was alcohol induced or not.)
I think what you’re feeling may be normal. But, I also suspect that the grass would be awfully green on that side of the fence, in retrospect.
Just remind yourself: Yin and Yang. đŸ™‚
Good points, but eventually if you’re not both really making the effort to care about the other’s interests? It stops working. Or what if you hated musicals, just flat out skin-crawling hated them? -m
POWER TOOLS? CARS? TRUCKS?? I’ll trade you the emp for your bread.
Seriously? Perfect! I’ve always wanted a gay boyfriend! When can we do this deal? đŸ˜‰ -m
You know Mush, I know exacly how you feel. I spoke to my mom recently and bless her heart she has been married to the same man for 55 years this august . I too am an excellent roommate, so is my husband, but we go thru streaks where we arent good married people. We are always good parents, but there are those times, and they last for months where I wake up and think to myself, what the fuck am I doing and who the hell are you? Im sure he thinks the same. Fortunately the past few years these “dry spells” are in sync. Sucks when they aren’t. They do pass and being married is fun again. Usually when the weather decides what it is going to do. Our “ruts” usually come in that odd period where its deciding to be summer or fall or winter or like right now when is it gonna stay 70 or snow tomorrow.
One thing we both found, the less we talk about it, the sooner the “rut” ends. When you focus on it, and try to analyze it ( and you , I am guessing are like me, you have to analyze it and figure it all out ) you are actually just defeating yourself.
I emailed you my phone number eons ago about something else. Use it. Email me, not like you don’t have all 3 of my email addresses. Something. We will talk. Or not. I seriously have been where you are, and am right now. Difference is I know that me and the husband will come through it, eventually. We always do.
Thanks, momma. -m
nu uh, no he didn’t even. I’m down for the trade mushy.
I know this is quite basic, I know this is advice thrown out easily, I know this is something you’ve likely thought about and discarded, I know I have too but: have you considered talking to a therapist or someone else besides your brain and bread (and no, not your friends) about what it is exactly you think you want?
I’m thinking about trying this myself, If I actually manage to do it, I’ll drop you a line on how it was.
Oh yes he did: your man totally traded me for you right on the Internet in front of God and everybody! *lol* And yes, please do. -m
lots of really good comments to feel your thought mill.
i also love and fantasize about the idea of having my own space and being responsible for my own shit rather than worried that the other one didn’t do the shit. yeah, i’m still a mom and i’ll take care of boy as is needed, but i have this concept of being on my own, without ties…i’ve never done that, ever. i think that’s part of the reason i spend so much time in my office. the blessed aloneness.
it’s taken me years to get to this place, where i’m ready to move away from being a couple to being just me.
i know, whatever you decide, it’ll be the right thing for you. everything else is moot. right?
I get yelled at for holing up in my office, he wants to know why I’m ignoring him. *sigh* -m
Mush, from my experience, when I found the right person, I started spending my time questioning OTHER parts of my life.
Interesting point. -m
Mush,
I can’ explain how this post has said what I have been afraid to say or even admit to myself. I am in the same boat as you and we are paddelling our little asses off together, except against the current. Thanks for your frankness and wonderful insight into my own “marrige” of sorts with my man.
By the way, I am coming to Iowa Mar. 25
Really? Really? Let’s totally have a cocktail! -m
I’m really impressed by your soul baring. You know I usually read, and everyone else’s comments are simply so insightful that I leave thinking everything’s been said. Having been there myself helps, or in sort of the same place. You think that somehow things will work, and yet Sonny&Cher’s ode to lack of common interests and denial of reality starts to ring really hollow. You could do with a sabbatical from it all, but who gets that kind of luxury any more? It’s hard enough figuring out the basics of working, feeding yourself and maintaining any sort of sanity, let alone having enough time for introspection.
It’s as if something died slowly and then one day you woke up and wondered what happened, and if you can do anything to change it, and you know he knows too, and that makes it worse.
The folk who comment around here are awesome, like I’m-not-worthy awesome. Including you. -m
hey mushlette. i love you lady, and i want what is best for you!
i know that you have been feeling this way for a while and having it be so consistent in your heart and mind i am sure is beyond troublesome. i guess you have to weigh it out. or maybe pray for the answer or at least some clarity because you probably already know inside what needs to happen for you.
i think you are brilliant.
We’ve done this marriage shit to ourselves, Mushmandon’t. It may be too late for us, but it’s not too late for all you singles: Stay single. For the love of all that is holy and autonomous, stay single.
Mushmandon’t? -m
I think it was Mae West who said that men and women should never live together. They should get houses next door to each other and just visit.
I really think Mae was fucking brilliant!
In a smart world, all houses would be duplexes, with shared kitchen and rumpus room, his side and hers.
I don’t know how long you’ve been married, Mush, But El Rey and I have been together 15+ years, married for almost 12. When we were young and stupid, we were joined at the hip, and that was fine then. We were each other’s interest, and so it worked. But time wore on, and we’ve developed our own interests and a comfort in doing them. We realize that other than eating, shopping, watching TV, and sex, we have almost no activities in common. But we have ideas and beliefs in common, and we love each other. So we stick with each other, because at the end of the day, we don’t like anyone else as well.
That is not to say that I don’t have periodic fantasies about running away from home. I do. I bet we all do. So I find a way to carve out that alone time. A wild woman needs to go into her own wilderness alone once in awhile.
It’s interesting how many commentors have said they have ‘nothing in common’ with their significant other. See, this is where I start to wonder if my expectations are just too fucking high. I just don’t know. SSM, you rock. -m
Expectations are a bitch. I’ve been ruminating on that a lot lately. The Buddhists say expectation is the root of all suffering, and while I would agree they’re right, I really don’t know how to stop.
As for “knowing,” well, when do we ever KNOW anything? I wish it were otherwise, but we’re all flying mostly blind.
There is also the reality that for most men, their wives are their best friends. For women, their husband may not be their best friend. And so they need us more. The more they attempt to cling, the more we want to shuck them off like so many barnacles. I’ve had that conversation, in kinder terms of course, more than once. It’s hard some days to be everything to yourself, let alone to someone else besides. I’ve got lots of words, but few answers. As Wyvern said, relationships over years cycle. Sometimes they’re great, sometimes not, but the wheel keeps turning. Knock wood.
kiss kiss hug hug. love.
I don’t actually know if I feel that I’ve been reading long enough to comment, but I will anyway … I think I agree with Gregg. And I also think one can love someone a lot but not be suited as a long-term couple. I really respect the way you describe that you’re addressing it though, as sticky patches DO happen.